Okay, this is one of many books I found at this really great strange little curiosity shop out in the middle of the sticks....actually Lee's mother found it, and since Lee is a country boy he had no problem finding it for us, and then striking up a conversation with the owner in that way countryfolk do, so that they had soon had each other's entire family trees mapped out, had exchanged a long roster of shared acquaintances and friends, announced heretofore unknown deaths to each other and quickly mourned, then passed on to discussions of the latest divorces and which partner had made out better. All of this, when I forget the names of my aunts and uncles on some days, and have lost count of the number of nephews and nieces I (allegedly) have.
But it's a marvelous store. I paid seventeen dollars to fill about three boxes with awesome stuff. Everywhere I looked was serendipity. Shelves and shelves of vintage and antique tchotchkes and figurines drew me in...weirdly beautiful and salable wares. All sorts of strange animals and mythic beings perched there, most stickered at 25 cents or 50 cents. I estimate it's about 400 dollars worth of items (online auction value) I found there in an hour or so. I have only sold three items out of about forty so far and am already sixty dollars ahead...a few items surprised me with the price they brought at auction.
One of these books (and all books regardless of whether they were hardovers, signed by author, whatever, were a quarter!) I was going to sell, but decided to keep because it is so FUCKING WEIRD and has strange cabalistic (unintentionally) funny writing all through it, is this little New Age book that sold for one dollar back in the sixties I think (see photo). It goes for a good price on ABE...I could have sold it and got somewhere between ten and twenty dollars for it, depending on how purple my prose was feeling on the day I listed it. It was reissued in the nineties in a facsimile edition I believe...of course that edition is worth much less but New Age books in general do very well when sold online. Usually, it's a matter of smaller runs on independent and/or quirky presses and the collectors of these things are fairly rabid. DIVINE LIGHTS BOOKSTORE is one of the most interesting little stores on Main Street in Steelton (now that we lost our great quirky little gay bookstore FOREVER BOOKS that did things like have "Gertrude Stein Night"....FOREVER BOOKS you are gone but not forgotten! You tried!) and it has been here basically forever. All the books from DIVINE LIGHTS (new and used) have pages redolent of a great mix of incenses (patchouli is predominant) and they keep their scent FOREVER! I bought a few Theosophical books there and some secondhand poetry titles. My friend Marty used to curate a cool poetry reading series on the second floor of the building (the store only occupies the first floor). It drew a strange crowd. I like it because you can stand amidst all the chi-chi iridescent dragons and dangling Celtic symbols, walk past Wiccan blades and Crowley's thick opuses of crap and look out the big windows in the back and there's the Bethlehem Steel Mill in operation. Walk a few hundred feet and you're actually in the mill.
The mill has been dying forever, but somehow always manages to limp on. I saw the Germans have taken over a significant portion of it (big blue letters MITTAL on one building). They have one of their corporate offices in an old Beaux-Arts building that was probably a government building half a century ago, which is right down at the bottom of this incredibly steep and winding road that comes up past several rather photogenic, somewhat spooky Victorian houses to our house. One of these is being turned into a "bread and breakfast" by a gay couple who lives there. Lee told me that. It's so funny, because who would want to stay in a bed and breakfast in Steelton!?! I mean it's a picturesque house (Lee's parents' friends once owned it and they told us horror stories about their heating bill) and the sort of quaint architecture that elicits "oohs" and "aahs." Don't get me wrong, I think Steelton's a town with a great history for being so young (founded in the early 1800s but incorporated in 1881) and I love the architecture. Of course you could have probably guessed this: "The community was named after the Pennsylvania Steel Company, which chose the site for a plant in 1865." I suppose someone could see staying in that house as a bed and breakfast inn if they were here for amusement in Hershey, sightseeing in Gettyburg, etc. Sorry Steelton, I didn't mean to knock you. I think this is a cool town. And hey congratulations to our high school football team, who just won the State Championship yet again! In the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, it was as if Ellis Island just flew through space and came down PLUNK right here....this is the original melting pot, baby! Even our town motto references that amazing diversity. My biggest crushes when I was in junior high school were usually on Serbian and Croatian classmates...I'm just a sucker for those cheekbones.
Steelton's a town of ridiculously steep hills and that's a perfect objective correlative for the lives of the immigrants who came here. They climbed, and climbed very well. I remember talking about Steelton with the daughter of the landlord of the building we rent for my company. He owns a very succesful limousine company and several other booming businesses. He owns all the buildings in the industrial park where my company rents. She told me of the family history, which started very humbly in Steelton. She was researching the grandparents who settled here and the language they spoke. I thought that was great. You should read some of the tombstones around here. Absolutely mesmerizing. I will have to shoot some photos. My favorite cemetery, however, is down by Falmouth on the leeward side of a tall hill facing the Susquehanna. Falmouth is where they still hold annual goat races! Actually, this is right by T.M.I. (what a day that was for those of us living here on March 28, 1979!) I call it the Viking Cemetery. For some reason, in that cemetery everyone has created these "you CAN take it with you" shrines, and as the dead were usually avid fishermen or hunters, there are all these great tools for the afterlife all over the cemetery. You walk through the cemetery up to the top of this sloping hill (it's awesome on windy days) and there's a great panoramic view of the underestimated Susquehanna, with the huge hourglass-shaped concrete spools, the cooling towers, dominating their little nuclear island and throwing up these billowy steam clouds you can see from many miles away. My dad loved to fish off Falmouth and kept a little boat down there. I loved playing as a small child on the large river rocks, some the size of small houses...clambering all over them....especially the ones with native petroglyphs.
Okay enough yadda. I meant to post some excerpts from this creepy book....let's see what's in here...what follows is "practical" information for problems using the spiritual world...DO NOT DO ANY OF THIS SHIT! I will not be responsible for any vomiting, poisoning or soul-sickness that results from you taking any of this with even half a grain of salt. If you are afflicted with any of the following physical or mental conditions, consult a real health practitioner. :-)
For the Epilepsy and Palsy
Willow tree, I now beseech thee. I pray thee take away from me my seventy and seventy times epilepsy. This must be spoken three times, three Fridays in succession, when the moon is waning; mornings, before sunrise, go to a running water, and direct the face in the direction whence the water runs, and upon three willow barks make three knots in the name of the holiest being,
ss.sytz. X X Z.
X. E. S. X. IL A. G. M. U. A. H. O. N. C. S. H. ss. H.
Ghost.
Jesus of Nazareth, Jesus beware the words of God as to the blessing over the archangel Gabriel.
For a Ruptured Child
When a child is afflicted with rupture, grease it with lard from a fox, and the rupture will soon heal.
When a couple of Oxen are to be trained, speak, while putting the yoke upon them, as follows:
Bless or Brown, take the yoke upon thee. Patient be, like Jesus Christ was patient.
Want to get ahead in an argument. Here's a great almost-Christian way to do it!
For Rows and Fights
In the name of God, I do begin, lame your hands and feet because you sin. God grant that I may come out best or never I'll find peace nor rest, the true Son, Master, Jesus Christ, died on the cross for all mankind.
How to be able to see in the Darkest Night
Grease the eyes with the blood of a bat.
To banish Spiders, House Flies, Gnats or Mosquitoes from a House or Place
Engrave the figure of a spider or fly upon a piece of copper or tin, in the centre, engrave from one to twenty to the sign of the fish rising over the horizon in the zodiac, and while engraving, pronounce these words: This is the image which drives away all flies or spiders, forever and ever. Afterward, conceal the plate in the centre of the house or suspend it in the middle of the house, or conceal it in the wall, where no one can take it away. This burying in the ground or concealing must be accomplished when prima facies taurus rises, and thus it will come to pass that in such a house, no fly, etc., shall be seen.
How to drive away Bed Bugs
Fern leaves gathered between the last two days of the month of June, and put under the bed, will drive away the bed bugs sure.
And you thought you needed glasses? You fool....you prodigal, spendthrift fool! You don't need to be buying no damn prescription glasses, you foo'! Read on.
Eyewater which makes the Sight Clear, so that no Spectacles are needed.
Take some good brandy of nettles, one drachm of ginger, camphor, fishberry, herb and nasturtium, of each one drachm, of cloves one scruple, of rue toothwort, eyebalm so much as may be held between two fingers (one pinch). Bruise all these articles, and put into the brandy, and distill it in the sun, during the winter season twenty-four days in a warm room. Dip your fingers therein and rub the eyelids therewith, morning and evenings, this will keep the eyes clear, and make them strong without the use of spectacles.
And you go to a dentist for a toothache? I repeat: YOU FOOL.
For Violent Toothace
Take a new nail, pick with this the tooth till it bleeds, then take this nail and insert it in a place where neither sun or moon ever shines into (put it where the sun don't shine? oi!--me), perhaps in the rafters of the bin in a cellar, toward the rising of the sun; at the first stroke upon the nail call the name of him whom you design to help, and speak: Toothache fly away, by the second stroke: Toothache cease, pain allay!
For Bad Hearing
Take the oil with which the bells of churches are greased, and smear it behind the afflicted ears, and relief will come at once.
To prevent Fire Arms being Bewitched
Take nine blades of straw from under a sow while she is nursing young pigs, therefrom put nine knots into the shaft and insert them between the two barrel loops, and such a gun cannot be bewitched.
For Haunted Horses or Cattle
Take the left-hand glove of a woman afflicted with rheumatism in the right arm, steep it in fresh water, and allow the animals to drink therof.
When an animal loses its usefulness
D F W S H D E S S Z Uz eo W V T V T D V 117 F 9 W I X S V
Throw away your lonely Tyenol.
To Cure the Headache
Take carrot-sap, and inhale it through the nose, and your aching head will be cured at once.
For Shooting Pains
Carry upon your body:
ARILL. AT. GOLL. GOTTZO.
You went to Cy Spurling? You got a presciption for Rogaine or Minoxidil. You dupe!
To make the Hair Grow wherever you Chose
Take dog's milk and paint the spot therewith, wherever you wish to have the hair grow. It will surely grow.
To drive the Mice away from Barns
Burn a rotten crab to powder, fumigate the barns with it and all the mice therein will die.
Hmm...I know a lot of rotten crabs, but I'd probably be arrested if I did that.
For the Witches
Take the core of a quince, and give, on St. Mary's Eve, every animal, such a core to eat.
Hey quinces are underrated! We finally got a Wegmans here in the midstate area, and I love their cheesemongers! I got the best little plate they had prepared, a sampler of rarer cheeses, and there was a quince chutney included on the plate that was just heavenly and acted as a great counter-savory (or palate cleanser) to some of the cheeses! Wegmans rules!
I had bronchitis earlier and I missed this! It would have been so much easier! I don't think PETA will approve however.
Another Remedy for the Bronchitis
Take three male crabs, but no female, pound them alive in a mortar, pour three spoonfuls of white vinegar thereon, then press the juice through a cloth, and take it evenings before retiring to bed. Wet a woolen cloth therewith, rinse the mouth thoroughly with it, and gargle with such water. If it does not help at once, continue the cure for two or three days in succession.
When a Dog is bitten by a Mad Dog
The following words shall be given to him in a drink:
Cinium Cinium Gossium Strassus God Strassus
Okay, the following one would also make a LOVELY CHRISTMAS GIFT by the way! Only FIVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT!
That none may Vanquish you, and how to Open Locks
Take the eye of a raven, lay it into an ant's hill for eight days, and you will find a little stone thereby, that stone carry with you upon your person.
The book claims to be translated from the German and to be authored by Albertus Magnus (affectionately known on the street, of course, as HEY HEY...FAT ALBERT). Here is some of what Wiki says about Albertus Magnus...there is some great maneuvering room here for a fun and potentially interesting screenplay...sci-fi or supernatural...
"In the centuries since his death, many stories arose about Albertus as an alchemist and magician. On the subject of alchemy and chemistry, he wrote treaties on Alchemy; Metals and Materials; the Secrets of Chemistry; the Origin of Metals; the Origins of Compounds, and a Concordance which is a collection of Observations on the philospher's stone; and other alchemy-chemistry topics, collected under the name of Theatrum Chemicum. He is credited with the discovery of the element arsenic. He did believe that stones had occult properties, as he related in his work De mineralibus. However, there is scant evidence that he personally performed alchemical experiments. Much of the modern confusion results from the fact that later works, particularly the alchemical work known as the Secreta Alberti or the Experimenta Alberti, were falsely attributed to Albertus by their authors in order to increase the prestige of the text through association.
According to legend, Albertus Magnus is said to have discovered the philosopher's stone and passed it to his pupil Thomas Aquinas, shortly before his death. Magnus does not confirm he discovered the stone in his writings, but he did record that he witnessed the creation of gold by "transmutation." Given that Thomas Aquinas died six years before Albertus Magnus' death, this legend as stated is unlikely.
However, it is true that Albertus was deeply interested in astrology, as has been articulated by scholars such as Paola Zambelli. While today we would view this as evidence of superstition, in the high Middle Ages--and well into the early modern period--few intellectuals, if any, questioned the basic assumptions of astrology: humans live within a web of celestial influences that affect our bodies, and thereby motivate us to behave in certain ways. Within this worldview, it was logical to believe that astrology could be used to predict the probable future of a human being. Albertus made this a central component of his philosophical system, arguing that an understanding of the celestial influences affecting us could help us to live our lives more in accord with Christian precepts. The most comprehensive statement of his astrological beliefs is to be found in a work he authored around 1260, now known as the Speculum astronomiae. However, details of these beliefs can be found in almost everything he wrote, from his early Summa de bono to his last work, the Summa theologiae."
ENJOY! SATOR AREPO TENET OPERA ROTAS!
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