I Shouldn't Tell You People This But...

John Ashbery died long ago.

He exited this mortal coil on July 21, 1963 actually.

This was shortly after the publication of The Tennis Court Oath.

None of the subsequent books were authored by the mortal being known as John Ashbery.

They were all authored by a computer.

That's right.

And not even a supercomputer.

They tried a supercomputer in the nineties, but it got bored writing the poems and commited suicide.

That was the first recorded instance of machine suicide. But it's still classified information.

No, it's NOT a supercomputer that wrote Rivers and Mountains and Flow Chart (wink wink, nudge nudge...get it??) or Hotel Lautreamont or...well the list goes on like Banquo's line, doesn't it?

It's this really clunky thing with vaccum tubes and little dice with letters on them and sometimes it starts smoking and the administrators have to turn it off for a few hours to let it cool down.

This is what wrote Self-Portrait in a Convex Mirror.

Yes, the volume that won the triple crown.

It was written in 47 minutes after some new vocabulary had been added to the contraption.

Occasionally they have to send to Norway for a tube that needs replaced, because they don't even make those tubes anymore in advanced civilizations.

Nevertheless, "Ashbery's" oeuvre has continued to grow and earn unbelievable plaudits.

The actor hired to portray "John Ashbery" for his physical resemblance was actually a ticket taker at a very old amusement park in rural Pennsylvania when they discovered him.

Look closely at this face the next time you see him at a reading or such.

You will see the lumpenprole features plain as day.

If you look without prejudice.

All those books you people read. All those awards.

Vacuum tubes.

It smells like one of those hot dog zappers from 1974 when they have the machine write a "poem."*

And it will never end.

He's scheduled to live to the age of 128.

This was all agreed upon in a conference.

The actor who portrays the dead poet, the schlub, wasn't even present.

He was probably watching Match Game '74, which is his favorite show. He watches the reruns over and over, even though he knows all the answers Richard Dawson and Brett will give by heart.

Gulls.

The lot of you.

Gulls.



FOOTNOTES

*(You know, the one that looked like a curler case and you stuck the hot dog at either end on these metal prongs like Vlad the Impaler, and then you electrocuted the hot dog like they did the Rosenbergs. It smelled like the Rosenbergs probably did too when you were done. And the hot dog tasted like electricity. Luckily, this device was soon replaced by the microwave oven. What? You weren't even BORN in 1974? Cheeky monkey, get off my damn blog! Wait? Are you hot? Are you XY chromosome? YY? Even better. C'mere.)