MOUSE STORY

When I was a mouse, I found it hard to believe humans really existed.

When I was a mouse, I tended to call all events beyond my comprehension "catastrophes"

When I was a mouse, I barely slept.

When I was a mouse, I was always hungry and afraid.

When I was a mouse, I wore flip-flops but worried about running into someone and getting into a kicking match with just my flip-flops on.

When I was a mouse, I thought the bones of any animal were beautiful. I asked for a specimen box for Christmas, but my parents got me two pairs of fugly mittens instead.

When I was a mouse, I thought shoes were proof of God's existence. There are lots of stupid things in the world, but something as stupid as shoes clearly didn't come about without a Creator.

When I was a mouse, I could fit anywhere, even through a hole the size of a penny.

When I was a mouse, I liked to nestle inside a big old radio that still had vacuum tubes, which crackled like a fireplace.

When I was a mouse, I saw things you people wouldn't believe.

When I was a mouse, I toyed with the affections of other mice.

When I was a mouse, I sneezed a lot but nobody said "god bless you." I was a mouse.

When I was a mouse, I looked for lions so I could pull any thorns out of their paws, but no lion ever materialized.

When I was a mouse, I thought the outdoors was a house too.

When I was a mouse, I liked to lick my lips on Sundays.

When I was a mouse, other mice said things behind my back that pissed me off.

When I was a mouse, I would think about the Holocaust anytime someone was mean to me and think "at least they didn't gas me" and "these people are the sort of people that made the Holocaust happen," and then feel very superior.

When I was a mouse, I worshipped paper.

When I was a mouse, I created a theory about the meaning of existence and called it Mouseanetics.

When I was a mouse, I dreamed as a mouse and had mouse things that nature had given me.

When I was a mouse, I was afraid of moths, but only briefly. One day, I let a moth land on me and didn't scream; then I realized I had defeated existence.

When I was a mouse, I had great upward mobility.

When I was a mouse, I belonged to no one.

When I was a mouse, accidents happened to me a lot.

When I was a mouse, I had one yellow Splenda packet and one pink Sweet-n-Low packet that I used as pillows on my bed.

When I was a mouse, my turds looked like capers.

When I was a mouse, I thought my tail could be a little longer, but still admired its sheen and length on a regular basis.

When I was a mouse, children begged me to go into their dollhouses or Lincoln log cabins, but I was too smart for that.

When I was a mouse, I called dust bunnies "tumbling tumbleweed."

When I was a mouse, I found cat food tasted good, which surprised me because I was afraid it was going to taste like mice. But it didn't. It tasted like horses.

When I was a mouse, I read trash mostly. No, I mean real trash. Out of the can.

When I was a mouse, I called the garbage can "the library."

When I was mouse, I also read books people threw down in digust. That's how I became a Beckett scholar briefly.

When I was a mouse, I saw an exterminator masturbating once in a bedroom in a house where he was supposed to be working. He charged the owners for that time too.

When I was a mouse, I saw a documentary about Hanta disease and got very scared I had it. But I didn't. Whew.

When I was a mouse, I hated all birds, predatory or not. Birds are filthy creatures.

When I was a mouse, I had more problems than I have now, but they were more amenable to solution.

When I was a mouse, I saw a mouse dying in a trap once...I moved the cheese closer to him so he could eat it, but he said "Oh, nevermind. It's probably poisoned anyway." And then he died.

When I was a mouse, I spoke as a mouse.

When I was a mouse, sometimes I pitied ants, but sometimes they just disgusted me.

When I was a mouse, I applauded gestures of questionable taste.

When I was a mouse, I was disgusted if I found a piece of food that hadn't been in a mouth yet.

When I was a mouse, I thought the sun was superfluous, really, and rather a nuisance.

When I was a mouse, I saw Stuart Little and felt my brow burning like Harriet Tubman's.

When I was a mouse, I borrowed rage.

When I was a mouse, I was rather solipsistic, as you can probably tell.

When I was a mouse, I endured.

When I was a mouse, I thought rats should be "separate but equal." Later, I matured.

When I was a mouse, once I saw rats running out of a building that was on fire, just like humans abandoning a sinking ship.

When I was a mouse, I said "Damn!" a lot.

When I was a mouse, I felt myself unpleasantly commodified.

When I was a mouse, I got an afro once, but lost the pick and had to make a new one out of fishbones.

When I was a mouse, I heard someone call me a "vector for disease" once and laughed so hard, I pissed myself.

When I was a mouse, I thought the vacuum cleaner was one of those blackholes I heard Stephen J. Hawking talk about on the telly.

When I was a mouse, I realized I was insectivorous one day. It took me aback.

When I was a mouse, I used to like to recite the poem "they flee from me that sometime did me seek" whenever someone was terrified of me.

When I was a mouse, I learned that the wealthiest mice lived in grocery stores, and that they share nothing.

When I was a mouse, I chewed up a Bible to make bedding, and slept on the teachings of Jesus. They were soft but had a surprisingly firm consistency.

When I was a mouse, I hid my hubris.

When I was a mouse, I saw a cat teach a kitten to kill in the backyard. Each generation damns the next.

When I was a mouse, I found many dead husbands and wives hidden behind walls and in attics. Apparently, there is more than one way to divorce someone.

When I was a mouse, I once confused a very large comma for a mouse turd.

When I was a mouse, yadda yadda.

When I was a mouse, I had this epiphany one day: it's better to just get over one's mouseness and simply live!

When I was a mouse, I ran like the wind with its sandals off.

When I was a mouse, I threw up one time and I swear I saw Jesus's head in it. I photographed it and tried to sell the photo on EBAY, but no one bid. I guess they didn't believe me.

When I was a mouse, I was too serious.

When I was a mouse, I thought the universe was most likely seven months old.

When I was a mouse, I was offended by Andy Warhol's interpretation of art.

When I was a mouse, I drank too much and blamed it on existence's design.

When I was a mouse, I tried to go to MAA (Mouse Alcoholics Anonymous) but the mice there were the exact opposite of anonymous and smoked too much. So I left.

When I was a mouse, I loved simply and totally.

When I was a mouse, I wondered if Miyaki would ever design clothes for mice. I felt sad when I realized the answer was "probably not."

When I was a mouse, I thought naivete could protect me.

When I was a mouse, horror was my middle name.

When I was a mouse, I thought it was important to know what the lyrics of "I Am the Walrus" mean.

When I was a mouse, I cried for Edgar Allan Poe.

When I was a mouse, I reverse-engineered a lot.

When I was a mouse, I realized Nature is Boss, but that it can be fooled.

When I was a mouse, I learned that every war has more excuses behind it than a whore.

When I was a mouse, I thought that music could stop the aging process indefinitely.

When I was a mouse, I made delusion my fortress.

When I was a mouse, I thought pornography was as beautiful as modern art.

When I was a mouse, I had a mirror I stole from a dollhouse. It hideously distorted my features. It made me feel like The Elephant Mouse.

When I was a mouse, I pissed on your Wheaties one day.

When I was a mouse, I said to a cat once, "You must be really feelthy! if you need to lick yourself like that all day..." and then I ran.

When I was a mouse, I saw squeaking as a cliche and a stereotype-enforcing act, and tried to avoid it at all costs.

When I was a mouse, I "got" Kurosawa.

When I was a mouse, I read Jabes, and wondered who would write the Holocaust of Mice.

When I was a mouse, I realized fear is like pulling taffy.

When I was a mouse, I rocked out with a sock out.

When I was a mouse, I thought the clock was the funniest thing I had ever seen. The hand goes round and round but never goes anywhere. And humans look at it constantly, as though it were God.

When I was a mouse, I looked down on mice who produced too many children. That's some Malthusian cheese out there, people.

When I was a mouse, easy come easy go.

When I was a mouse, I thought R.E.M. was very good but overrated.

When I was a mouse, I repeated myself too much with only the slightest variations, and ended up feeling like a funhouse mirror.

When I was a mouse, I thanked the gods for my powerlessness one day.

When I was a mouse, I spent too much time worrying about other minds.

When I was a mouse, I grew up.

When I was a mouse, I left the light on every time I left the hole, because I liked to think of it burning even if I never made it back.

And I never made it back.