"300 lb. Brad Pitt"

               

300 lb. Brad Pitt hit his head one day against a fiberglass marlin at a Red Lobster in Sheboygan.

300 lb. Brad Pitt was known by another name before that Tuesday.

A more prosaic name. But we needn't concern ourselves with nobodies.

He got up too quickly after having severely abused the all you can eat Shrimpapalooza lunch deal, went CLONK! against that big fiberglass fish with the xiphoid protuberance, and that was that.

300 lb. Brad Pitt asked the hostess approximately three minutes after hitting his head on the marlin whether there was a "back exit where he could get out of the Red Lobster without encountering the paparazzi."

"Excuse me?" The woman paid to be colorless grew more colorless.

300 lb. Brad Pitt explained again about the paparazzi, how annoying they could be, and the hostess searched his face for signs of the beginning crack of a smile that could be worked into a full smile or laugh, but it wasn't happening.

The lobsters in the big Welcoming Aquarium of Death began to mill uncomfortably as well. Even these pairs of ragged claws scuttling across the gravel floor apparently sensed this serious break with reality.

This raises the possibility that we might be boiling the best psychiatrists on the planet alive.

The hostess did lead 300 lb. Brad Pitt back through the kitchen, half in a daze, eager to get rid of this wobbly spheroid who thought paparazzi were after him and who was making her feel so uncomfortable. That was her job as a hostess: making people feel uncomfortable. She felt usurped.

The big man looked at the kitchen workers and leered with what he was now convinced was a twenty million dollar smile at some illegal immigrants and some legal immigrants, who all wondered why a child molester was walking through their kitchen and going out the emergency exit which they snuck out to go smoke even though it was punishable by nose-clipping or rhaphanidosis (anal turnip-or-stake insertion) or something a bit Vlad-the-Impalerish like that nowadays in their state.

300 lb. Brad Pitt wasn't actually a child molester, but 300 lbs. and a bald head speckled with liver spots like those found on a posthumous banana will give any man a serious leg up should he ever apply for the role in the made-for-television movie Daddy Said It's Alright. And if you have marinara stains on your shirt and chin, you just stuck a shiv in the hearts of your competitors.

300 lb Brad Pitt was looking very molesterish that afternoon, but had a smile as bright and wide as baleen.

One half of Brangelina waddled across that Red Lobster parking lot and moved towards history.

He chuckled to himself as he climbed into his green X-Terra which sagged visibly as his hopes would have usually sagged at this point in the afternoon, had he not head-butted a fake fish that was probably placed there because of some gay decorator's idea of Ernest Hemingway's machismo. He probably didn't know that Gertrude Stein could beat Hem at arm wrestling as well as writing. If Stein had taken up fishing, it would have probably been Gertrude's Great White Shark hanging there on the wall of the Red Lobster in Sheboygan, instead of Hemingway's sissy marlin.

300 lb Brad Pitt began cruising home.

He smiled at all kinds of girls on the way home, looked over every time he stopped at a light, and gave them one of his best "Yes, this is really happening...no you're not dreaming, baby" smiles.

Power locks were hit with the speed that pumas hit deer.

He gave women and girls his anarchic Fight Club smile, his politicrat-telegenic Meet Joe Black smile, his heteroscowboysexual Legends of the Fall smile, and even his polecat Thelma and Louise smile.

They gave him the "For the love of God, please, I have children!" look, or a panicked "Clarice Starling in in the NightVision Goggles scene" stare of terror and fumbled in the glovebox for their licensed or unlicensed weapon of choice.

Some even patched out and burnt the red lights.

300 lb. Brad Pitt was sure those gals were racing home to tell their friends whom they had just seen. And the ones fumbling around in that glovebox were trying to ferret out a digital or disposable camera.

Civil engineers saved his life but he didn't know it. At least twice the lights changed just as the woman in the vehicle opposite was taking off the safety lock. This is America. Shooting a man is a rite of passage for a woman here. Those poor gals were heartbroken for months.

This would have been a real shame though. Because the woman who did that would have truncated what was to become a rather fabulous career.

300 lb Brad Pitt adjusted to his new Life of Delusion surprisingly well.

Of course, he lost his job down at the Fat Rupert's Tire Shack, but he would have never achieved notoriety or a ridiculously fat wallet without head trauma.

Sometimes, you never know what a person is truly missing in his or her life until it just magically appears.

For 300 lb. Brad Pitt it was a fiberglass marlin.

For you, it might be a stint in the Salvation Army "Ringing Bitch Brigade." Or an anaconda named Spike.

You just never know.

In the old days, 300 lb Brad Pitt would have been locked away if they couldn't fix that short circuit.

He wouldn't have stood a straight man's chance at Pier One.

In the new days, you have to eat somebody's pancreas. And even that might not be enough. If you are in midst of filming something, your cannibalism may actually be condoned. You may only receive a slap on the severed wrist. As long as you pose for a photo with the judge. And his kids.

300 lb Brad Pitt did not get invited on Oprah, it is true. But she vacillated. He came close.

But Howard Stern soon made him a regular. Howard made sure to provide a steady stream of half-naked girls who played along with 300 lb. Brad Pitt's delusions.

He was truly worried on many occasions that Angelina Jolie might divorce him over some of his shenanigans and lap dances on Stern.

His explanation to himself for her absence was that Angelina was away filming the latest Lara Croft film.

Pretty soon, fans made sure to impersonate her and leave messages on his answering machine, helping to keep the delusions green, well-watered.

300 lb. Brad Pitt did the nighttime t.v. circuit, was soon making guest appearances on some of the better television dramas and reality shows, and before long was making cameos in movies.

Mostly comedies it is true, but 300 lb. Brad Pitt figured he was expanding his range.

Eventually, the young plastic 38DD bimbos were too much to resist, and he "divorced" Angelina in a mock-ceremony held on national television.

300 lb Brad Pitt netted a cool 8 million for that half hour of comedy.

Brangelina hated him with a passion.

Both Jolie and Pitt were offered ridiculous amounts of money and donations to charity to meet with 300 lb. Brad Pitt, but their vanity, like their concern for the planet, was measureless, so they could never bring themselves to do it.

But how time sorts things.

Eventually, their marriage broke up. This was sometime after 300 lb. Brad Pitt began edging out the "real" Brad Pitt in tabloidia coverage.

Brad Pitt (Original Recipe) began to drink.

He began to gain weight.

The tabloids egged him on horribly.

"COULD THERE BE A COMPETITION UNDERWAY?" the National Enquirer mocked when Brad began to give indications that he was on the Brando Autobahn.

He was single now and no woman with lips like orange slices soaked in blood was removing the Crullers from his shapely, girlish hands.

And then one day it happened.

The day the world would never forget.

300 LB. BRAD PITT WAS SEEN WITH ANGELINA JOLIE!!

They were holding hands somewhere in Somalia.

Angelina Jolie expressed deep admiration for the empathy with which 300 lb Brad Pitt looked at the Somalian populace.

And his acting had shown a decided upswing since his role in the Billy Bob Thornton-directed Ballad of the Chicken Gizzard Cafe.

Thornton himself had expressed his reverence for the deep spirituality with which 300lb. Brad Pitt had helped him to reshape his film which had gone on to win 11 Oscars, including a near miss by 300 lb. Brad Pitt himself.

But next up was a pairing with Streep and everybody knew what was coming.

Then Angelina Jolie was seen wearing a pendant necklace which everybody soon learned contained a polynoidal cyst which had been removed from the hairy base of 300 lb Brad Pitt's spine.

Billy Bob Thornton attended the Pitt (300 lb)-Jolie wedding in Dhakar.

Pitt the Former did not.

300 lb. Brad Pitt's favorite team was The Marlins, but he never really knew why he liked them.

In fact, he was seriously considering buying them.

He had a vague recollection he might have been a Packers fan once.

Sometimes he had dim visions of a styrofoam Cheesehead.

But Angelina would kiss him or pull him into bed at these moments.

She couldn't get enough of her amnesiac bear.

And you know Angelina.

She's not gonna just be, like, ignored or anything.

She's Angelina.

"You smell like Meryl Streep," she whispered as she began nibbling on one of his ear lobes and his brain melted like lobster butter down into those delicious nooks and crannies in life.