Don't:

A Manual of Mistakes & Improprieties more or less prevalent in Conduct and Speech.

UNMUTILATED and with the Additional Matter. The Only Authorised & Complete Edition.

This was published circa 1880.

This is a facsimile edition, a tiny square book in parchment wraps and of course reproducing the original typesetting (italics out the wazoo as the precisian observations are emphasized).

Here are some samples...pages that particularly amused me today...these passages are excerpted randomly. It's a wee book, only 96 pages of damnation.

It was authored by the mysterious CENSOR.

Every first sentence of every paragraph in the book begins with the word Don't.

I do not know if there was a companion volume, Do.

[ONE SHILLING.

I believe Ol' Dirty Bastard listed this book as a seminal influence on his early years. So I share these with you in tribute to him...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE LOSING SIDE (THANK GOD!)...


Don't respond to remarks made to you with mere monosyllables. This is chilling, if not fairly insulting. Have something to say and say it.

Don't talk about your maladies, or about your afflictions of any kind. Complaining people are pronounced on all hands great bores.

Don't discuss equivocal people, nor broach topics of questionable propriety.

Don't throw yourself loungingly back in your chair. The Romans lounged at table, but modern civilization does not permit it.

Don't eat soup from the end of the spoon, but from the side. Don't gurgle, or draw in your breath, or make other noises when eating soup. Don't ask for a second service of soup.

Don't eat with your knife. Never put your knife into your mouth. (Is this advice unnecessary? Go into any restaurant and observe.) Don't load up the fork with food with your knife, and then cart it, as it were, to your mouth. Take up on the fork what it can easily carry, and no more.

Don't use a steel knife with fish. A silver knife is now placed by the side of each plate for the fish course.

Don't spread out your elbows when you are cutting your meat. Keep your elbows close by your side.

Don't eat vegetables with a spoon. Eat them with a fork. The rule is not to eat anything with a spoon that can be eaten with a fork. Even ices are now often eaten with a fork.

Don't devour the last mouthful of soup, the last fragment of bread, the last morsel of food. It is not expected that your plate should be sent away cleansed by your gastronomic exertions.

Don't apply to your neighbor to pass articles when the servant is at hand.

Don't thank host or hostess for your dinner. Express pleasure in the entertainment, when you depart--that is all.

Don't use hair dye. The color is not like nature, and deceives no one.

Don't be a "swell" or a "dude," or whatever the fop of the period may be called.

Don't be over-familiar. Don't strike your friends on the back, nudge them in the side, or give other physical manifestation of your pleasure. Don't indulge in these familiarities or submit to them from others.

Don't twirl a chair or other object while talking or listening to any one. This trick is very annoying and very common.

Don't beat a tattoo with your foot in company or anywhere, to the annoyance of others. Don't drum with your fingers on chair, table or window-pane. Don't hum a tune. The instinct of making noises is a survival of savagery.

Don't sit cross-legged. Pretty nearly everyone of the male sex does--but, nevertheless, don't.

Don't stop your lady acquaintances in the street if you wish to speak to them; turn and walk by their side, and leave them with raised hat when you have done.

Don't use meaningless expressions, such as "Oh, My!" "Oh, crackey!" etc.

Don't address a young lady as miss. Don't say "Miss Mary," "Miss Susan." This strictly is permissible with servants only. Address young ladies by their surname, with prefix of miss, except when in a family of sisters a distinction must be made, and then give the name in full.

Don't say gents for gentlemen, nor pants for pantaloons. These are inexcusable vulgarisms. Don't say vest for waistcoat.

Don't say party for person. This is abominable, yet very common.

Don't say lady when you mean wife.

Don't say "right away" if you wish to avoid Americanisms. Say immediately or directly.

Don't say female for woman. A sow is a female; a mare is a female. The female sex of the human kind is entitled to some distinctive term.

Don't say sick except when nausea is meant. Say ill, unwell, indisposed.

Don't say posted for well informed. Don't say balance for remainder. Don't use trade terms except for trade purposes.