If the Hamas "Big Surprise" is Nuclear, This is So Going to Ruin 2009....

Israel, I wish you would listen to my Mother.

Israel, if my mother were your mother she would convince you that you are way out of line right now, and you need to just be sensible and remember you always have a room here (isn't that scary Israel, that your room is still there, untouched like a museum probably...Safetrap House as Jeri Blank's cult was called).

But seriously, Israel, you're not that big. One nuclear bomb could seriously ruin all those shopping malls.

Why don't you just think of all coming over here and just moving into New Jersey?

Every summer when we drive through Jersey (which is a state I love despite the bad rap!) we see ghost town after ghost town. They were dying even before the rest of the country was.

New Jersey would benefit enormously from having Israel move into it. That economic downturn would be over, and all those ugly Main Streets with spiders spinning webs over mannequins would turn into colorful businesses and civic associations. Klezmer would lighten everyone's mood and great rugallah would finally be available to those of us who don't feel like driving to New York.

Jews could learn to embrace Bruce Springsteen and Joe Piscopo (god knows he needs somebody embracing him!)

And New Jersey would have real poetry again, instead of that Robert Pinsky shortening.

The fighting will be over.

And Jews are hot. So that would be a plus too. We'd love to see you all on the beaches.

Don't you prefer 2009 to 1345 anyway? Theocracies tend to stay theocracies for a very long time.

Israel, come home to New Jersey.

Your mother misses you.