Imaginary Letters to and from an Imaginary Countess

My dearest Chevalier,


My ass is no longer nubile though it is shapely and yes, I think we both know boy-buggery is as apt to prematurely age one as working for the Department of Carriages or the Deparment of Phlegm.

I saw an uncle turn to dust before my eyes in the employ of the Department of Phlegm.

Yes, spank you very much: I have been (discriminately) enjoying the candied sparrows, as has my abigail Fulsome.

The sparrows were...fair...You do know the true confectioners remove the eyes and replace them with garnets, correct? These sparrows all had their eyes intact...it is so tiresome to be seen as second-rate in this Mistress Biz, a diamond possibly not of the finest water since even Fulsome knew that a gentleman will always give garnet-eyed candied sparrows....

She looked at me after she removed the box lid, and I warrant there was Pity in the creature's eyes.

Pity from a Servant.

But I digress in Vanity. Possibly I am not worthy of such properly crystallized bon-bons.

As to your hyperbolic complaints, you are at no risk of becoming your father.

He is worth ten times you and a ducat if I am a day over thirty.

I quite enjoyed your punning and I do enjoy when my Chevalier likes to Tashkent. All night long. You are singularly well-favoured and so I favour you.

But we probably shouldn't turn to the tale of Echo for a Fabular corroboration of our love, a tale which is possibly an Allegory of erotic acoustics and the Vanity of sexual Desire. And many a love epistle is really just Narcissus leaning through the reeds and over the water, admiring his own face, his own powers of seduction. You might have touched on something truer than you realized, in your flippant way.

Who was that retarded man I saw you with last Thursday? Is he a creature of means? Will you introduce me (and possibly pimp me if there is Gain in it?)

My "transsexual velociraptor sarcasm" must away now.

I am expected at Court.

They are having another one of those tiresome fanfaronnades involving whores and Germans.

Beastly glitz! I bribed the one servant to stick my jeweled hairpin into that one Tyger's ass.

I had hoped to have a German turn tigrine digestif, but no such Luck.

I scoff at your Dedication and doubt your Cock is loyal as Consumption.

We shall see if you are Daddy or no.

I appreciated the gesture of your enclosed spankerchief.

It smelled and savored greatly of you.

It smelled like a hyperbolic cock and Javelle water.

My Chevalier.

I do so love to fuck you until you look retarded. You get such a charming squint.

Think of me while I am at Court, pleasuring myself beneath a spinet.

Or being pleasured by a Borzoi who loves quince marmalade I find.

Queer beasts at Court!

Your Countess,

M_____________