some toys and other shit

                


1. A seal sculpture made out of sand. pleading eyes of a harp seal maybe but full grown animal. gray body instead of white. perched on a rock which is also made of sand. held together by some weird glue or magic or something. years ago he was on ebay and lots of people would select the watch option and stare at him but nobody wanted the seal really. but they did enjoy his weirdness. after a certain point i would always get disgusted and take up an ugly seal's plight. declare him hors commerce. the southern gentleman with whiskey in him thing. when you hold him later you notice sand on your hands. the rock has some sky blue on it to give a relief effect. his eyes aren't sand. they are pretend jewels. black ringed by the color of honey. there is more pathos in his face than in any francis bacon painting. but that's just style.

2. six elmo rings from six cupcakes. elmo is really just cookie monster slightly redesigned. all muppets are just other muppets slightly redesigned. the voice is the real character. since ping pong ball eyes are not really that expressive. to speak truthfully.

3. my buddha from pier one has a cheap finish that tries to make it appear bronze but it looks more like bronze spraypaint. but creepily enough it does look truly lifelike. as though he could open his eyes at any moment. he wears a russian fur hat whether it is winter or summer. his mind is apparently always cold. crisp. refreshing. buddha lite. few calories.

4. a rabbit in a crouching position that appears to be ready to be fucked. he is fragile and oddly painted. i keep him on the lowest part of a bookshelf because i know i will drop him and he will shatter. it's so obvious. he makes me giggle. amy sedaris has rabbits instead of boyfriends or girlfriends. she prefers it that way.

5. a bunch of shark teeth. most of them fossilized. in a plastic coin tube. i like to spill a bunch of them out on my palm and stare at them. hundreds of millions of years ago they ate creatures which no longer exist. they had no pyschosis and probably no anxiety really except when something bit them or something larger went past them. they are perfect. and perfectly horrible. they are the prototypes for the poem. but not all poems have teeth. some merely gum you.

6. babar the colonialist. i can't get rid of him though i know now how truly evil he is. what a tool. how his sense of fashion is pompous and retarded really. who wears a green baize vest with a yellow bow tie? really who? a bipolar colonialist elephant. that's who. carrying what he calls the "banner of the future." what an asshole.

7. a yellow pterodactyl or some sort of pterosaur anyway. i think he's from the flintstones. he's supposed to be an eraser not that i would use him like that. you know how those things never really work as erasers. it would just be easier to spit on your finger and rub than wear one of his wing-shoulders down to a nub. your paper would get all yellow or something and then it would be ruined. cereal boxes lie. lots of things do. welcome to nature. no refunds. no rainchecks.

8. a trick or treating spongebob squarepants holding a jack o'lantern trick bag. he is dressed as frankenstein. he has the fake scar. his nose is very cocklike. his eyelashes are feminine. he still has his tiny, tiny red tie. he looks like the office drunk after the halloween party. but without the cops. some people should marry an entire police force. for security or something.

9. a pot metal horse clock from the fifties. it's big. it gleams with a cheapness i really like. the color is like if brass went sour. the clock is frozen and framed by a pot metal horseshoe. upside down. lucky i think. toys have flocked to it as though it were a rock star. a cherub suckles under the horse. a mon-chi-chi. a bone from a seagull's wing i found in maine. a tranny drawing of j. edgar hoover by an ohio artist who has a goat and hateful neighbors. a fawn. a seashell. it's like an ocean shoreline in the morning when barefoot drunks are fellinesque walking the endless gray. they don't pick a single amazing thing up but laugh and laugh. while whores wash gray pantyhose in sinks in hotel rooms. they are in heaven.

10. a japanese geisha in the most amazing kimono consisting of twenty or more separate pieces of cloth. mostly orange and black with silver and gold details. she stands on a piece of ebonized wood and clearly seems to be floating through space. gold elaborate ribbons to hold up her similarly geometrical hair. she is a series of planes at war. her face is painted on. not real. she is the exact opposite of regret. she is roland barthes writing about love. he dies. she goes on.

11. a rabbit mask from a cake when i lived somewhere else. the rabbit is creepy. a parody of japanese noh masks. reminds me of the shining. the rabbit costume getting head. or was he giving it? shut the door.

12. some motel soap. it says BODY on it and there is a photo of what must be a human inside a giant bear costume reclining with one paw resting on his hip. like a classical european painting of a naked woman. he is wearing a blue vinyl nightshirt but no pants. blue vinyl slippers. blue vinyl hat. the name of the motel is printed on the hat and the nightshirt. he is fat but posing sexy. this is what makes it funny. his eyes are black semicircles. these semicircles are the open parts of his eyes. the upper yellowish halves are his eyelids. no wait. the eyes are more ovoid than circular. he is actually reclining on the word BODY which is in large white letters. he is reclining on it like a piano vamp on a piano. the background is totally black. this is all floating in space. schizophrenic motel goers are probably extremely weirded out by this bar of soap when they see it. midpoint between funny and sexy. on the back it says it is MY BEAR BASICS body soap and this is trademarked. it "contains only the finest ingredients like essences of milk and honey." i bet you didn't know milk and honey had essences. do you have an essence? there is a bear paw print there too. the soap smells like a spring grave where there were flowers in the winter. there is just a bit of a ghost of a trace of a ridiculous gesture. like john wilkes booth or something. presumably the soap is real and inside this. something is in there.