You Know What Would Be a Really Good Porno?

A great porno would be one where the porn actors and actresses were dressed in HAZMAT suits.

And they'd be boning away on the living room floor or the couch and the doorbell would ring as it often does in older porn films.

And standing there would be the pizza boy, and he'd also be wearing a HAZMAT suit and holding the pizza box, and then he would be welcomed into the living room and the HAZMAT orgy, and he'd put down the pizza and start fucking too.

And then outside there would be a tall man inside a giant clear plastic hamster exercise ball, who was rolling down the suburban street in a business suit by strenuously using his arms and body-weight to make the ball roll, the way a hamster does this in a plastic ball.

And the porn actors fucking in the HAZMAT suits would stop and all run to the picture window and pull the curtains and say "Look! There he is! There he goes!""

And they would giggle. And slap their knees. And hoot like excited chimps.

Then Darth Vader would come down the stairs and into the living room, breathing in that unhealthy way and scream: "Who finished my fucking Pace picante salsa last night and put the empty jar back in the motherfucking refrigerator?!"

And the HAZMAT porn actors would all break up laughing uproariously while the pizza boy would bring a piece of pizza to Darth Vader, who would then say simply, "Thanks" in a rather embarrassed way.

Because he didn't realize anonymous people cared about him.

But they do.

And he would pick off the pepperoni, because pepperoni reminds him of a planet he destroyed once, something he doesn't like to think about.