The catatonic capybara won't go near his computer.
He won't answer emails for weeks at a time,
losing him many aquatic and herbivorous friends
who might have helped him through the tougher wallows.
The catatonic capybara ghosts bitch fights on websites
and will sometimes turn to stone even at his happiest moments,
forming a dangerous tableau in a flooded savannah
where often opportunistic anacondas will usurp the role
of therapists in swallowing this capybara alive.
One benefit is this form of death remains outpatient therapy.
Capybaras hate the office furniture used for therapy,
even when these are made to resemble fertile grasslands,
and the therapist's office is planted with comforting pampas grass
where the capybara may take shelter, hide, and speak
through a solacing, wind-rustling screen of grasses.
(The therapist should leave a window open for a gentle breeze.)
Additionally, it is normal for capybaras to consume their dung
upon evacuation, to recycle the good nutrients within.
Some therapists may find themselves being judgmental,
even with the awareness that their own negative feelings on this
are unfairly alimenticentric and based in anthropocentric feelings
of superiority over nature.
The therapist can avoid introducing iatrogenic pathology
by joining in, and consuming his or her own dung
in a shared luncheon with the capybara.
Remember: the best anthropologists in human history
didn't quibble to turn anthropophagists when it served their science
to serve themselves other selves. (They were seasoned scientists,
so they simply seasoned the served souls and sought sociological solutions.)
The capybara has often given in to this catatonia
since the Catholic Church cheated and classified him
as fish in the 16th century, to circumvent Lent.
(Cf. "barnacle goose" for further corroboration of Papist corruption.)
Some believe an apology from the Pope delivered personally
on the savannahs to an assemblage of capybaras would be
of strong therapeutic value, and help to redeem bad history.
As if a lifespan of only four to eight years
were not bad enough, or that this capybara is the favorite food
of anacondas, jaguar, puma, ocelot, eagle and caiman,
some of the capybara's other big worries are benzodiazepine
side effects and dependency, and embarrassing sunburn,
since capybara only has sparse hair
so the capybara sometimes identifies with Woody Allen
and watches bad Woody Allen films while masticating sideways
and growing old fast, wondering why no capybara Soon Yi
comes close and wants to be molested to spite her overmaternal
foster mother who keeps adopting orphaned capybaras
to avoid pleasing her sex-addicted capybara spouse.
Once, long ago, the catatonic capybara's species was humongous
and could have stomped all its problems
(like humans, anacondas, and jaguars) to death
while enjoying a grass sandwich in the beautiful afternoon.
But nature got bored with supersized capybaras and shrunk them
down to perfect stalking size, so they end up the bite-size
Capybara McNuggets of the McSavannah, which predators love.
When Karl Ludwig Kahlbaum first described catatonia in 1874
as "Die Katatonie oder das Spannungirresein" he may have been
thinking of humans, and more particularly of certain Germans
who were actually capybaras and found Berlin to be too stressful
a savannah to graze within.
These capybaras sometimes exhibited specific types of movement
such as "waxy flexibility," in which the capybara maintains positions
after being placed in them by someone else,
or Gegenhalten (lit. "counterhold"),
in which the capybara resists movement in proportion to the force
applied by the examiner. The capybara may repeat
meaningless phrases or speak only to repeat what the examiner says.
Differential diagnoses include American Republican presidents
and Gertrude Stein.
The prognosis is poor since therapy usually requires several years
in order to see results and the capybara patient will probably
reach his or her natural lifespan before that.
The therapist should thus prepare himself or herself
for the strong possibility that completion of therapy and resolution
may not be achieved due to anaconda or caiman predation,
or the accelerated senescence of the capybara patient.
The therapist should not feel deficient
if death is the termination of therapy, since death is always
the termination of therapy, except in the case of the messiah complex,
where the deceased's pathology lives on through the psychosis
of his or her adherents.
But this is rarely a probable outcome
in treating the catatonic capybara, since most of them
are logical positivist aquatic herbivores with a materialist mainframe,
and for this the agnostic or atheist therapist should rhetorically
thank the heavens above, since one is spared competing with God's
significant authority & leverage in such cases, which is exceedingly tiresome.
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