Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

1. The teacher is an alcoholic.

2. The eraser room is for fucking. Knock before you try to clean the erasers.

3. Don't sleep over at the house of that kid who has blood on his shirt every day.

4. You can make fake boogers with that rubber cement type of glue.

5. You "have" sex. You don't "do" sex.

6. If a kindergarten teacher has Alzheimer's, nobody will ever know.

7. There are monsters under the stairs.

8. Sometimes when a teacher giggles it means they're dangerous.

9. Girls are disgusting. That's why you should kiss boys.

10. PRANG is one of the coolest words ever invented and paint that comes in blue bottles that look like ketchup bottles is Heaven on Earth.

11. "Surfburgers" make you throw up. All weekend long.

12. Don't imitate Twiggy from Buck Rogers too many times in a row when the teacher is holding her head.

13. "The penny surprise" dessert meant that somebody was fucking cheap or skimming money.

14. All secretaries sit on the Principal's lap. They jump up when you walk in because they're polite.

15. The principal's pants get a funny bulge when he's paddling you.

16. Don't catch a ride home with Brenda's Mom because she talks slow and funny and giggles and runs over cats.

17. Kindergarten does not mean a kinder garden. It means "garden of children" in German. That's because a bunch of little children get treated like vegetables and get pushed around by a bunch of ho's.

18. That pink thing in the toilet doesn't really taste good.

19. Sneaking your hamster out under your winter hat is not a good idea.

20. Don't eat the brownies at Joey's house. They make you eat mayonnaise with your fist.

21. The kindergarten teacher who kept calling Nathaniel her little bunny in the jungle got fired for a reason.

22. You can't really use your nose as a pencil sharpener. That's a myth.

23. Goldfish don't like coffee. At all.

24. Libraries are places to keep your mouth closed for a reason....have you ever smelled a librarian's breath?

25. Robert Mapplethorpe is not the cousin of Johnny Appleseed. His book wasn't "a'posed to be in the liberry."