The Godzilla Mothra Letters (continuation of novel-in-progress)

Dear Mothra,

I haven't been able to form sentences for days. I just get up, walk around and go to sleep again after a certain number of hours have passed. I mostly dream about kaiju who are dead or who no longer talk to me. I woke up with Gorillaz playing in my headphones and I had moisture running down my face but I didn't remember crying in my dream. It was a good song. The tears were atomic and I saw the earth was on fire around me and glowing. It was pretty but even my dreams cause pain and suffering because wild animals were running from the devastation. Somebody was hiding in the forest nearby and I could tell from the bits of narration I overheard it was a documentary crew with some documentary maker. I destroyed him and his crew with my spiral ray. I think it might have been Michael Moore. Somebody fat and self-righteous anyway.


Dear Godzilla,

Are you sad to be a monster?


Dear Mothra,

No, I am not sad to be a monster. Somebody has to do it. We are part of a fucked up world's fucked up poetry.

All good poetry or music helps people in dying well.

If we had a jingle or a theme it would be in Japanese and say musically "Monsters: we help you die well."

Kylie Minogue would sing it.

Why? Are you sad to be a monster?


Dear Godzilla,

No, I am not sad to be a monster.

You talk about dying a lot.

Maybe you should get that checked.


Dear Mothra,

Get it "checked?"

It's not a faulty headlight.

It's an existential state.

But fuck you very much for asking.



Dear Godzilla,

Shove an ice cube up your asshole. And chill.

Japanese is in mourning for Martha Stewart.

Her funeral pyre is a giant Bundt cake.

She chose to be cremated in Japan.

I sent my fairies as emissaries of My Mourning.

They sang at her funeral and everybody in Japan cried.

It was better than the Chinese Olympics.

The terrorists got her.

It wasn't me.

She should have left the tea ceremony alone.

Bitch did look good as she departed this world.

Gown in lavendar by Vera Wang with this giant split train that hung down over the bundt cake on both sides as though it were butterfly wings.

Vera Wang was crying on Japanese television and talking about the symbol of rebirth she had created especially for Martha's death.

My fairies made up a special Martha Stewart death song called "Goodbye Martha, Fairy Wing of This Life."

Japan thinks I am a good guy again.

Oh, the seesaw of history.

Thrillsville.


Dear Mothra,

Today I got inspired and felt like my old self. I was reading that book you sent me, Mindpower for Kaiju and doing the exercises you had penciled in the back of the book (Thanks!) and I wanted you to know I've had great results. I went to the corporate headquarters of Microsoft and beamed mind rays at the company. I even controlled the mind of Bill Gates. I made Bill Gates do the Macarena naked for a few hours then I made him think he was Paris Hilton. He got fucked by several of his hornier employees. Then I made him think he was Paris Hilton's chihuahua. He kept shitting in office cubicles. Then I made Bill Gates think he was a Mexican illegal immigrant who cleans toilets. I made him clean every toilet at Microsoft. I had everybody else at Microsoft under my mind control and made them work together to create a massive Hello Kitty costume that would fit me perfectly. The Microsoft employees walked around in a daze, measured me using laser beams and complex trigonometric functions. They drove around to nearby cities while under my mind control, gathering the correct fabrics and materials. When they were done, I slipped into the giant Hello Kitty costume and then destroyed Microsoft. Then I destroyed several other cities in California while dressed as Hello Kitty. It felt so incredible. I was still not the top story on CNN. Everybody was talking about Eminem's gastric bypass or something. I destroyed several Target stores and the remaining few Starbucks left after the economic crash. Mind power is awesome! It's like discovering a new drug or something. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to attack me in a Hummer with a bazooka. What does he think this is? Fucking T3? I threw his little Matchbox car back in the direction of Austria. Of course, Maria Shriver was pulling the Jackie O. widowhood thing the next day on CNN. It was like she had studied the Jackie O. clips frame by frame. She had the walk down. E! Television was horrible to her though. Everybody saw through it. She's only marginally a Kennedy. Nobody was buying it.


Dear Godzilla,

The Japanese love the Hello Kitty rampage, all the destruction you are wreaking in California! You were definitely the top story here. Even Sanrio loves it and is issuing a "Godzilla as Hello Kitty" doll in all the better toy stores. It is "limited edition." There are posters of you standing over a naked Bill Gates doing the Macarena that are selling out everywhere. The artists consider it one of the finest performance art pieces of the last half century. So you are succeeding with both the snobs and the slobs. As if you cared. But I thought it might make you laugh. Quentin Tarantino is telling everybody you are considering taking the role in that film. I told you he was a whore who will use any tactic. He is like the bellybutton lint of Hollywood now or something.

Dear Mothra,

Check your Wikipedia.

I was bored last night and more than a little drunk and edited you.

Check the new paragraph that appeared last night.


Dear Godzilla,

What the fuck!?!

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia...


Personal Life

Mothra is a gay kaiju who enjoys the sensitive films of Neil Jordan, the traditional Japanese art of flower arranging called ikebana and the music of Mika, Donna Summer and The Pet Shop Boys. He can often be seen at various gay hotspots or at the White Party sporting a pair of rainbow colored wings for Gay Pride. He hangs around Fairies and sometimes he teaches them to sing the girly songs he loves best. He is single and seeking a life partner. Although Mothra is hermaphroditic or something, and can produce eggs out of his body, he does not rule out further adoptions with a loving male partner. He has publicly expressed a romantic interest in Mika and Seth Green.

OMFG, the only thing Wiki flagged is the phrase "hermaphroditic or something" as "substandard usage."

We definitely got to get together with the other kaiju and take this puppy down soon.

I thought about Wikitaging your entry but....I HAVE A LIFE!!

You might want to look that up at Wikipedia, dweeb.


Dear Mothra,


I don't think anybody has said "dweeb" since 1989.

Are you watching John Hughes films again?

Come out of the time capsule.


Bookmark this on Delicious and You Can Be My Hero, Baby...not Enrique Iglesias.