The Godzilla-Mothra Letters (Continuation)

Dear Mothra,

This afternoon I got drunk and listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. That singer is awesome. "Isis" is my favorite song right now. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs are great to listen to when you are destroying infrastructure. I saw a story about a city called Elkhart where the President spoke because they have like the worst unemployment in America or something. Like half the town just gets high and has sex all day and has the nerve to complain about it. So I went there and destroyed it. But it wasn't even the top story on CNN. Some dog fell down a well. I think I killed about 5,000 people. The dog's name was Rufus. He was wearing a bandana in the photo on CNN. He looked like a redneck.



Dear Godzilla,

Some other Kaiju and I have this Wednesday film festival thing. I know that sounds really gay but we just get together and drink and watch several films by the same director. I should have written "we drink wine coolers." Then it would be really really gay. Okay, I suppose it is really gay. It was Neil Jordan yesterday. I liked The Crying Game and the vampire movie which had a dark palette. Miranda what's her name is good as a murderous little cunt in Crying. Neil Jordan has a good sense of humor. If he ever decides to make a film about the Kaiju I would consider it. Some of the other Kaiju asked where you were and I told them you were getting a sex change in Thailand. I think Anguirus believed me. He's such a fucking asshole.


Dear Mothra,

I read this about me on Wikipedia today.

"Godzilla is one of the most recognizable action/fictional symbols of Japanese popular culture worldwide and remains an important facet of Japanese films, embodying the kaiju subset of the tokusatsu genre. He has been considered a filmographic metaphor for the United States, as well as an allegory of nuclear weapons in general. The earlier Godzilla films, especially the original Godzilla, portrayed Godzilla as a frightening, nuclear monster. Godzilla represented the fears that many Japanese held about the nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the possibility of recurrence. As the series progressed, so did Godzilla, changing into a less destructive and more heroic character as the films became geared towards children. Since then, the character has fallen somewhere in the middle, sometimes portrayed as a protector of the Earth (notably Japan) from external threats and other times as a bringer of destruction though this happens rarely. Godzilla is also the second of only three fictional characters to have won the MTV Lifetime Achievement Award, which was awarded in 1996."

My press is not keeping up with my psychosis.

I hate humanity again.

None of the nice things people say ever make you feel better anyway.

Because those are people saying them. People will say anything.

I would like to destroy the MTV Music Awards some year when they are live.

But it might be seen as an attention whore move.

Plus Sarah Silverman was hosting it last time and she is one of the few humans who "gets it" so I wouldn't want to destroy her work.

But if Howard Stern ever returns to the MTV Music Awards I'm so there.


Dear Godzilla,

You think that shit's bad. Read mine on Wiki...check out this gay shit...

"Since her first film, Mothra has been depicted in various stages of the lepidopteran life cycle: Mothra's mammoth egg is decoratively colored in blue and yellow waves. The egg hatches into her larva, a massive brown, segmented caterpillar (resembling a silkworm) with glowing blue—red when angry—eyes. In rare circumstances, twins may emerge from the egg. The caterpillar eventually spins a silken cocoon around itself (the pupa stage), and from this cocoon the imago (adult) Mothra emerges, a gigantic moth-like creature with brightly-colored wings. Mothra's life cycle—particularly the tendency of an imago's death to coincide with its larvae hatching—echoes that of the Phoenix, resembling resurrection and suggesting divinity. Despite having wrought destruction worthy of any Toho daikaiju, she is almost always portrayed as a kind and benevolent creature, causing destruction only when acting as protector to her worshipers on Infant Island or to her egg, or as collateral damage while protecting Earth from a greater threat. She has also fertilized her own eggs."

The typical, bullshit inaccuracies for Wikipedia...

1. I too now hate humanity.

2. I was female before. This incarnation I'm male. We alternate. They didn't even notice that. Assholes.

3. That Phoenix shit is gay. Like they say in the military, "It is what it is."

4. I got your "kind and benevolent." C'mere chickies.

5. Some dateless and undateable Japanese guy who looks like Mike Myers wrote this article. I just know it.

6. If there was a way to destroy Wikipedia I would do it right now. Is there a way to find out where they are based out of? I'm sure you and some of the other Kaiju will join me for this.

7. "Godzilla and Mothra Vs. Wikipedia." Directed by Neil Jordan. Fuck Yes!



Dear Mothra,

I don't get the Neil Jordan thing. Maybe you are gay. It's okay if you are. I'm just saying. The Butchers Boy was okay. But it was the Flamer Expressway after that. Do you say "Ish" now too?


Dear Godzilla,

Fuck you. Don't be so damn literal. The movies are "existentially sound." You criticize like a latent homo. I thought I saw you getting sprung when you were wrestling Mechagodzilla to the death. And you got the chronology and much else all fucked up.

Read and respect...

Selected filmography

Angel (1982)
The Company of Wolves (1984)
Mona Lisa (1986)
High Spirits (1988)
We're No Angels (1989)
The Miracle (1990)
The Crying Game (1992)
Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)
Michael Collins (1996)
The Butcher Boy (1997)
The End of the Affair (1999)
In Dreams (1999)
The Good Thief (2002)
Breakfast on Pluto (2005)
The Brave One (2007)
Ondine (2009)
Heart Shaped Box (TBA)
A Killing on Carnival Row (2009)
Our Lady of the Forest (TBA)
Borgia (TBA)
The Graveyard Book (TBA)


Dear Mothra,

You are gay. Elton Versace Donna Summer gay. You probably have an air freshener shaped like Morrissey. You probably have tampon-envy you are so gay. I am hungry for blue whale. I am going oceanic tonight. I am going to eat a blue whale pod and all their babies too. They can complain all about it in their stupid whale language. Nature is poorly designed. I didn't do it. I don't care about eating healthy anymore either. Just getting up every day should be enough. If I could deep-fry the whales I would. And the babies too.

KFW (Kentucky Fried Whale) would be a great restaurant.

I would eat there every night.


Dear Godzilla,

Do you like Haruki Murakami?


Dear Mothra,

No.


Dear Mothra,

Oh. I forgot to ask in my last letter.

Do you like Haruki Murakami?


Dear Godzilla,

No.


Dear Mothra,

I think I am coming down with a cold. Or maybe I have a fatal disease. If I contracted or came down with a fatal disease, I wonder if I would behave badly. I wonder if I would commit suicide or allow the disease to run its course and pretend to be optimistic and cheerful for the Japanese people who would be worried for me the same time they were terrified of me. I wonder what the tabloids would say and if I would still destroy cities and armies and infrastructure. I wonder if it would feel different.


Dear Godzilla,

You don't have to worry about the fatal disease. Because I am going to kill you soon. I am getting "that urge" again.


Dear Mothra,

Bring it. I ain't askeert of no pussy butterflies.


Dear Godzilla,

Seriously. What if Wikipedia was right? What is you are beginning to identify with the United States. Maybe the root of your negative feelings and depersonalization is because you are "a metaphor for the United States?" I'm not saying this to be an asshole but to point out what may be fucking your head up.


Dear Mothra,

Fuck you. My negative feelings and depersonalization say fuck you too. I am here to destroy America, not be America. I can't believe you are taking Wikipedia's side in this argument.


Dear Godzilla,

I hate Wikipedia. I would like to destroy it with the other Kaiju. And Google too. They are the root of most evil in the world today, but people laugh when you tell them that. Do I really need to quote the obvious relevant Nietzsche quote here?


Dear Mothra,

I got that right away. Duh. Let's talk about something else now. Okay? I like you and that's what I'm thinking right now. Not about your bullshit Dr. Phil meets Gene Shalit analysis of my existence, which precedes Wikipedia. Existence precedes Wikipedia. Existence precedes Google. I think Sartre said that.


Dear Godzilla,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I flew over Sakhalin Island and over continental Asia and attacked some lame ass country that used to be part of Russia today. They had yellow telephones the size of dumbbells. It was like being back in the Showa Era. It was great. Their defenses were pitiful and I left them a real mess. Now they will have to talk to one another to survive. In other words, I did therapy on the country. I think they think Japan sent me as a weapon though, so I may have just started a new Russo-Japanese war. Or whatever those people call themselves now. Again, it will be conversation which is good. I went to Chernobyl and visited the empty town where no humans live anymore because of the nuclear meltdown. There are so many beautiful animals there now. Some deer came out and I used my telepathic powers to tell them that they are safe for a few hundred more years in this location and that they should continue to breed freely. The animals gathered around me and I felt good knowing I had started a deer orgy and Summer of Love in Chernobyl. One of the deer recited an Allen Ginsberg poem to me. It was a lovely afternoon. I wish Neil Jordan had been there to film it.