I Feel Terrible for Jessica Simpson

But Tony Romo is not the one.

He's not even cute but you can't see that yet.

Go to Africa again. Like you did when you broke up with what's his name. The guy who looked like a guy in a Sears ad.

The guy you and John Mayer used to make fun of because you can both sing and he can only barely.

You have three octaves and you are everybody's idea of sexy, really. Ashley only has like two or two and a half octaves. And her vocal mannerisms are ingratiating and annoying.

Yours are ingratiating and pleasant.

Go back to Africa. Smile at the giraffes like you did then.

Go alone.

Touch them and the other things outside of human experience really.

Then if you really need to fall in love again do that.

But not with John Mayer. Because I think Jennifer Anniston is feeling vulnerable and will need him for some time.

Penis size isn't everything you know.

You seem to date a lot of guys with large penises.

That might be an issue for therapy.

You don't want Ashley to end up being the normal one.

Cuz she's sort of winning now.