Nasty Things Cows Say Behind Other Cows' Backs

1. "Please tell me my ass isn't as fat as hers."

2. "Just because you calf doesn't mean you give up on yourself. I mean hasn't she ever heard of udder cream?"

3. "Those spots are so last year."

4. "She says she's a Holstein and so is her child but who does she think she's kidding. The kid's half-Guernsey as sure as I have eyes."

5. "God, do you remember the things we used to do on grass?" (go xtc)

6. "I'm not saying he's a methane polluter, but let's just say the Kyoto Protocol mentions him by name."

7. "I hear his cud tastes like shit."

8. "That bull scares me. He reminds me of a horror movie I saw once. Go on a date with him and I bet you end up the upholstery in a 78 Camaro."

9. "She went back to the trough four times! Four times I tell you. No wonder her man strayed into that other clover patch."

10. "Not today," I told the farmer. "I'm not in the mood for the inseminator. And I'm not promising anything about tomorrow either. I'll let you know how I feel THEN when it's actually tomorrow. And not a moment sooner. And I suggest you don't ask again."

11. "I'm just big-boned but she's fat."

12. "Oh they aren't telling it nice about her in the pasture. All I'm saying is I suggest you homogenize that milk TWICE before you drink it, if you catch my drift, eh?"

13. "Her sister practically raised her calf. She thinks she's J-Lo or something, though she's twice as old as that. There's no clover patch she hasn't lowed in."

14. "She lows when she should moo, and moos when she should low. So ghetto. I feel like I have to learn a whole different language just to ask her how she's doing!"

15. "She says her 'milkshake brings all the boys to the yard' but I say it's because that tail never stops switching. You'd think she was directing traffic in there with that thing. Didn't her mother teach her about 'giving the milk for free?'"