The Lifeboat

A disaster has occurred aboard a noted fashionista's yacht in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, in the middle of the night, and Kathy Griffin, Paris Hilton and Perez Hilton have all ended up in the same lifeboat. The fashionista and the ship's crew, alas, ended up in Davy Jones's locker.

Unfortunately, the U.S. Coast Guard was not notified, and nobody is searching for the missing trio but the paparazzi, and they are only looking on land for these celebrities vital to the survival of our culture.

We join the celebrities on their fourth day lost at sea.


         FOURTH DAY LOST AT SEA


         PARIS

What ocean is this anyway? The Atlantis or the Specific? Do you think there's any chance we might land on Fantasy Island? Or Gilligan's Island?


         PEREZ

You asked that two days ago. About ten times. Hey, look...your chihuhua is having a seizure or whatever again. I think he drank more sea water last night. I told you not to let him do that.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Shut the fuck up both of you! It's been over 72 hours since I botoxed. I think my eyelid just passed my nose on its way to my mouth.

         PARIS

Oh Kathy, you're melting in the sun! Your face looks like white chocolate. Can I lick it?

         PEREZ

Paris! You weren't drinking from the ocean too, were you?


         PARIS

Just a little. It had this white stuff on top. It looked like cappuccino.


         KATHY GRIFFIN

My god! I'm really going to die out here, aren't I? I finally made it to the A list and I'm gonna go right to the real D list. The one where everyone pretends to like you for ten seconds and then forgets you forever! Out here in the middle of the ocean. My mother is gonna spend all my millions on box wine lunches and some amateur proctologist-cum-hairdresser named Maurizio. I did all those crunches for nothing.

PARIS & PEREZ both snicker.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

What's so fucking funny?

         PARIS

You thought you were on the A list.

         PEREZ

Yeah.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Watch it, bitch. Stop complaining. After that party the other night, you should be fine. I mean, doesn't semen have nutritional value?


         PARIS

My nutritionist said it's empty calories.


         KATHY GRIFFIN

And you, Perez...you should be good til Christmas with that reserve of chalupas you stored up.


         PEREZ

I'm Cuban, you stupid bitch. Not Mexican.


         KATHY GRIFFIN

Okay, you had to tread water in an ocean to get here. The chihuhua did it in a river. Big friggin' deal, Fidel.


         PEREZ

If we survive, I am going to kill you on my blog.


         PARIS (delirious)

That's hot....that's so hot....that's hot....


         KATHY GRIFFIN

Hit her in the head or something. She's doing it again.


         PARIS

Look, the dolphins are swimming around us again. Are we at SEA WORLD?


         PEREZ

That's not Flipper, Paris. We told you a million times. Those are sharks.


         PARIS

I ate my lipstick.


         KATHY GRIFFIN

Me too.

         PEREZ

Me too.





         FIFTH DAY LOST AT SEA


         PARIS

My god, these chicken wings are delicious! I don't usually eat meat.


         PEREZ (gnawing)

I know, right?


         KATHY GRIFFIN (licking fingers)

Oh my god, I never liked Mexican food before.


         PARIS

Why are Buffalo wings Mexican? Don't they come from like buffalos?


         PEREZ (glowers at Kathy)

Kathy's an idiot. Dig in.


         PARIS

Hey where's Tinkerbell? He's gonna love this.


PARIS & PEREZ look at each other and laugh.


         : PEREZ

Tinkerbell was...umm...rescued.....while you were asleep just now.


         PARIS

Rescued? How?


         PEREZ


This little submarine came up and it was...ummm...Kathy, explain....


        KATHY GRIFFIN

It was a sub from the Phillipine Army. You know they're little people, right? You know Rob Schneider.

         PARIS

Yeah. He's tiny.

         KATHY GRIFFIN.

Right. Right. So they only had room for Tinkerbell. And he said he felt terrible leaving without saying goodbye but he didn't want to wake you. He kissed you on the cheek. If you look, you can still feel a little doggie saliva kiss goodbye right there...

         PARIS

Where?

KATHY GRIFFIN surreptititiously wets her finger and puts spit on Paris's right cheek.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Right there. Feel it. It's all gooey and....Mexican...

         PARIS (brightly)

Oh my god! He did! Oh Tinkerbell. I miss you already. These are so fucking good. How did you cook them?

         KATHY GRIFFIN

I had a lighter and Perez made a rotisserie thingamajig from a cell phone antenna. I had to go Gordon Ramsay on his ass a bit, but all fat boys are born chefs so it worked out. (Imitating Gordon Ramsay) "You call this a fuckin' risotto?"

          PARIS

You guys are like smart and stuff. So will the Phillipine people come and rescue us. Or will they tell somebody to?


         PEREZ (annoyed)

That's the plan, bitch.

         PARIS

Do you have ranch or blue cheese dressing?

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Shut the fuck up, Paris.

         PARIS

Tinkerbell forgot his miniature Vuitton fanny-pack. I hope the paparazzi don't catch him without it.

         PEREZ

God will find a way. Even without Vuitton.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Wash your fat mouth out with soap, Perez Hilton.

         PARIS

Fucking really.



         SIXTH DAY LOST AT SEA


         PARIS (delirious)

I am in West Hollywood. Yes. I'm shopping right now. I am picking out a new Petro Zillia jacket. God, it's lovely. That's the color of my vagina when it's not acting up.


         KATHY GRIFFIN

Shut the fuck up. You're dying, you fucking 21 kt Petri dish! Congratulations! You now weight 67 pounds.


         PEREZ

Oh..."slap! slap! slap! right across your melon!"


         KATHY GRIFFIN (laughs, joins in)


"....your suspect ho's, your reject ho's..."


         PARIS

Oh, Missy? "every year I come up with something sicker...turned your man to an ass licker"

         PEREZ

Hahahahahahaha! We're going to die to Missy Elliott. We're going to die off screen. My god! There is no god! NO TABLOIDIA!! THERE IS NO GOD!!!


         PARIS

Shut up. There's still Vuitton.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Yes, Perez. There's still Vuitton. Die with dignity...where's your fag pride?

         PEREZ

Okay. I'm sorry, Bless us ghost of Louis Vuitton. Holy Spirit.

         PARIS

That's better, girlfriend. Oh my god. Nicole...Nicole will live on...it's so unfair. If I had one call left I would call Tony Soprano to kill Nicole.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Paris, Tony Soprano wasn't real. He was a character on a program.


         PARIS

So was I, Kathy Griffin! And I'm real. Duh. God, you can be so stupid sometimes. Sorry. I need to sleep.

         PEREZ

Go to sleep, Paris. You look delicious...I mean....exhausted....

         PARIS (drifting)

I am so....sleepy.....seepy.....

         KATHY GRIFFIN

I don't want the shank, Perez. And don't even think about the loins. I've got dibs on them. They've been well tenderized. All that pounding.

         PEREZ

You got it, bitch. I ate her ass enough in life. Might as well in death.

         PARIS (delirous, waking)

...."smack! smack! smack! right across your melon"...hahahaha......Missy Elliott....

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Fucking Missy Elliott. Go to sleep, Paris. Tinkerbell is waiting in a dream for you.

         PARIS

Oh, Tinkerbell! Is the Phillipine army treating you right, bitch?

         PEREZ

She lost a lot of weight. Missy Elliott.

         PARIS

Yeah. She used to wear garbage bags in her videos. She was so fat! Or is it phat? I was in third grade!

PARIS dies.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Griffin, Perez...party of two...table this way.

         PEREZ HILTON

Tools?

         KATHY GRIFFIN

I have a metal nail file?

         PEREZ

Why not?

         KATHY GRIFFIN

I wish I had brought some Shake N Bake. SKANK HELPER. Something.

         PEREZ

I don't think there will be any marbling.

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Why couldn't you be fucking Martha Stewart. This would be like Thanksgiving in three hours.

         PEREZ

Marth Stewart would have turned you into dim sum on the second day. Are you going to do giblet duty again?

         KATHY GRIFFIN

Just smack my ass, and call me Mom, bitch. Let's do this. You know if we get out of this, we'll always have Paris.

         PEREZ (laughing crazily)

Hahahahaha. You sick fucking bitch.







































































































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