"No Fats, No Fems, No Fuglies": A Gay Fairy Tale

Once upon a queer time, there was a just-past-his-prime gay man who lived in The Enchanted Forest...

His name was BuffedLeather45.

BuffedLeather45 knew that since he was a gay man, he could not allow himself to age naturally, the way your average doughy heterosexual might. That doughy man might still hold an appeal to heterosexual women, who would care about things like "Can he make lasagna?" or "Does he cuddle?" or "Will he go with my furniture?"

Not so in the gay universe!

Buffed was a wise muscledaddy who knew how to work all the gay clubs in The Enchanted Forest, whether it was 3 p.m., 8 p.m. or closing time. He had a strategy for every hour and every type of man he desired.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention!

BuffedLeather45 had been born without a heart.

This increased his desirability in the gay world immensely, and meant that his cock was that much better as a heat-seeking missile.

There was no EMP-pulse of interference from any heart above when that hot missile flew. The missile could fly undeflected to its various warm targets.

Buffed knew his way around a Soloflex and around a man's body.

In The Enchanted Forest, he was still accounted a thoroughly reliable lay; when a young man needed a Daddy-fix, BuffedLeather45 was considered a good one to go to.

And because he was extremely vain, he preferred the youngest and most beautiful men in The Enchanted Forest.

He was very discriminating.

He was very discriminatory.

He was, of course, a body fascist, a lookist and preferred those men who shared his natural bent towards a coldness of manner in conversation and in fucking.

In short, he was a great lay and a terrible human being. And he had absolutely no problem with that. Why should he?

One spring day when the world was newly green again and everything on the dewy ground looked like cock coming up, Buffed wandered through The Enchanted Forest.

Buffed was feeling half his age as usual and was singing a disco tune of yore, as he wandered through the forest placing personal ads.

These he carved on many ancient, colossal trees that made Buffed think (of course) of sturdy cocks.

He took out his knife and carved "CALL DADDY FOR A GOOD TIME. NO FATS, NO FEMS, NO FUGLIES!"

And then he appended the phone number to his cottage dwelling, where his appendage was appended to his glorious self.

BuffedLeather45 carved this on a lot of beautiful trees.

The trees were watching him and began speaking their spore language.

They were talking to Somebody who had their interests dear to her Heart.

This carving was a great mistake, although Buffed did not yet know.

This is because the Tranny Fairy lived in that part of The Enchanted Forest where Buffed was carving his obnoxious, lookist, body-fascist, transgender-hatin' messages.

And the Tranny Fairy was Fat. And Fem. And very Fugly.

And she was often pissed.

Probably because of the hormones she took. Or maybe it was the electrolysis. But anyway....

It was not long before BuffedLeather45 found himself walking into an invisible wall and banging his celebrated, aquiline nose against it and saying, "Humph!"

Because this was The Enchanted Forest, Buffed was not particularly surprised that a magic partition had put up here, so he turned to go another direction...and knocked his forehead against another wall.

He went another direction and it hurt again.

Then he called out to the Magic of The Enchanted Forest, "What the fuck?"

And that's when the Tranny Fairy appeared.

She was fugly in pink taffeta and had a magic wand shaped like a glass dildo.

A pink glass dildo atop a clear Swarovski crystal wand.

She had Jay Leno's chin and she had Target's logo on her taffeta dress, as she had worked out some sort of sponsorship deal.

She had the beginning of her afternoon beard.

She glowered at BuffedLeather45 and her eyes flamed in tranny Nemesis mode.

"I see somebody has taken up a little woodworking project in my part of The Enchanted Forest," she said.

"Oh hi. I'm just passing through," Buffed said.

"Not anymore," she said.

Vines came rushing across the forest floor like hissing serpents and soon pulled Buffed to a tree whose leafy roof was nearly up in the clouds. They wrapped him round and round til he was pinned to his own carving.

"Let's see what this poet has written," the Tranny Fairy said, producing a pair of stylishly antiquated reading glasses that Meryl Streep might have chosen.

Suddenly, a whole army of loyal creatures passed over from the realm of invisibility to visibilty as she said this.

Trolls, elves, sprites and pixies, oreads and unicorns came chattering out of the invisibility to surround their tranny queen.

"Oh, I see: NO. FATS. NO. FEMS. NO....FUGLIES. Am I reading that correctly?" she coyly asked the man held by ivy serpents to the tree.

"Hehe...Buffed said. It takes all different kinds..."

"Shut up. Shut up or I will turn you into a toad with Munchausen's-by-proxy in exactly thirteen seconds."

A unicorn laughed at the buffed fag.

Buffed swallowed hard and did his best to fake it.

"I'm sorry, Your...Honor."

"Your...Honor?."

The Tranny Fairy laughed and so did her strange cohorts.

A lesbian pixie with a boyish haircut threw a rock that hit Buffed in the head and the creatures laughed again.

The Tranny Fairy held up her hand and her eldritch troops fell to silence.

"You have greatly offended my sensibilities and you must pay. But I am in a gracious, giving mood. I will give you your druthers."

"My druthers?" Buffed muttered, sweating now like a pedo in prison.

"Well here are your two choices. I can change you into a wild boar right now...which is really what I consider you. And you can snout up acorns and hunt truffles for our Fairy Meals for the rest of your days..."

"Lucifer and Vaseline!" Buffed screamed. "I was just trying to get laid..."

"And so you are. Laid low. By your arrogance and conceit."

"I...well...I'm so sorry Mistress...."

"Mistress?

"Princess?

"Whatevuh. Talk to the Wand. Do you want to hear your other option?"

"I...guess..."

"See these four hideous trolls here?"

"Yes."

The four trolls looked like the men Buffed passed on the way into the gay bars, the usual stool implants. He shuddered to even stare at them and the four trolls cackled.

"Well....your other option is this. I will transform these four trolls into four of the most beautiful, buff young men you have ever seen. I will shape them to your innermost desires, that even you do not know yourself. They will come to live with you and be the Ultimate Houseboys of Desire. You shall have orgasms from dawn to dusk, dusk to dawn..."

The Tranny Fairy paused and lowered her glasses on her nose, and smiled devilishly.

Buffed looked at the four trolls, who glared malevolently at him and cackled again. He imagined he could smell their rancidness even from the twelve feet between them and him.

He felt nauseous.

"This is a punishment?"

"You didn't let me finish. Probably just the way you are with your boys."

The mythological creatures behind her snickered again.

The Tranny Fairy gave him a Meryl Streep, x-ray stare.

"They will be transformed into four unrivaled beauties and they will live with you and tend to your needs. And here's the catch. Here's the dealio...if you raise your voice in anger to these, your new Quartet of Love Players, if you show an absence of gratitude THREE TIMES to these boys...

Buffed swallowed in dread.

"I will return that very moment and I will transform you into that wild boar. But not to serve us. Oh no. You will be served to us. We will stuff you with acorns and quinces and sweet apples and turn you on a spit. And we will eat you."

There was a loud outburst of appetite from the chimerical crew of beings about her at these last words. An ogre rubbed his belly and licked his lips obnoxiously.

Buffed stared into her flaming eyes which were now a mere inch or so from his.

"Understood, handsome?"

"Yes."

"Well, which is it to be?"

He looked at the trolls and felt his stomach roll but answered "Number two."

She looked right into his face and barked a short laugh then, the Tranny Fairy.

"I KNEW it!" she said.

She went over and stroked the heads of the four trolls, and spoke in cooing tones to them.

"I shall miss you, Egaliander, Rouspes, Verx and Torpsis!" She glowered at Buffed. "But something tells me you will return to me soon...not long anyway."

"Back! Back everyone!" she said as she waved the dildo wand above her head furiously, as if she were mixing an inverted margarita.

And the unicorns and pixies and sprites and elves and gnomes and a small dragon and others scurried back away from the place where the Tranny Fairy stood now with her four trolls and light began to spin furiously around the Tranny Fairy, pink light, and around her four trolls and this light began spinning around the tall tree where Buffed was pinned by ivy fetters.

There was music playing suddenly. Buffed thought it sounded like The Weathergirls and felt an urge to dance and fuck suddenly.

"Goodbye, my Interloper! You had best hope we don't meet again, but I suspect we will...we will..."

She had transformed herself into a likeness of Diana Ross just to be a bitch, he noticed.

And then everything pink went white.

And he felt himself flying and his eyes were closed, though he did not remember closing them.

*       *     *     *

When BuffedLeather45 opened his eyes, he was back in his comfortable little cottage with the gym and the sex-harness and all the other goodies he loved so much.

And sitting on various Italian leather pieces of furniture (tacky, I know) were four of the most gorgeous pieces of eye-candy to ever sport testicles.

The Tranny Fairy had indeed kept her promise.

Buffed couldn't speak.

He scanned this quartet of muscular men for any sign of the troll within, and could see nothing.

Surely, it was a joke.

They couldn't really be the trolls.

"The Tranny Fairy has played a joke on me," he thought.

"Perhaps we should introduce ourselves," a man who could have made a GQ cover-model eat his heart out said in a posh English accent.

"I'm Stephen," but you can rename us anything you like. "We're all here to please."

Buffed's jaw began to dislocate slowly with desire. Like a snake's.

His eyes visually caressed the remaining three, who took this cue to introduce themselves.

"Maurizio," said the Italian blond.

"Wole," said the African beauty.

"Aki," said the modern Viking.

"Tell us what you want, and we will do it," said Stephen.

"Ummm," said Buffed.

He had to sit down.

He did not see the Tranny Fairy standing next to the tacky version of the Barcelona chair he had just fallen backwards into.

Because she was invisible.

And she was smiling at her four trolls, who could see her as clearly as they saw the desire burning below Buffed's tongue.

Trolls can locate desire the way gay men can locate shoe stores.

"I have. A few ideas," Buffed managed to gasp.

The Tranny Fairy beamed instructions to the four trolls telepathically, and then bade them Adieu, shaking her head in horror at the furniture one last time before teleporting away.

So it began.

The game.

_________________________________________________________________


A month passed, and Buffed had never been happier in his twisted little life.

He never heard the word no, and his lust was indulged on an hourly basis.

Maurizio, Wole, Aki and Stephen proved amenable to whatever Buffed proposed and were pleasurable beyond words to gaze upon.

Sometimes when the four of them were moving in and out of one another's arms, Buffed would get a chill suddenly, and remember how this all came about.

He would imagine he saw horrible troll features on the face of one of these men in a shadowy moment of lovemaking, but then the young god would turn his face towards the candlelight and the Supermodel Superman would be back.

Often, his young lover would laugh at such a moment, and Buffed would wonder if he had read his thought, his fear.

He kept telling himself to remember The Rules. No shouting or lack of gratitude.

But Buffed was by nature an ungrateful creature. He was a paragon of Ungratitude.

So why should he respect even something as wonderful as joy?

He knew he could not ask the four men to talk about The Tranny Fairy.

One night when he was drunk he had tried and they all looked innocent and laughed.

"Who?" they said. Like children.

So they deviously relaxed his guard.

They cooked wonderful meals for him. They bathed him. They toweled him dry. They held him while he fell asleep. They TIVOed his favorite shows. They washed his sleek teal sportscar.

They accompanied him to The White Party in the Enchanted Forest.

They gave great glamour and they gave great head.

BuffedLeather45 had gone to Heaven and been rolfed there.

He forgot everything he knew of his hunts and rutting.

The gay clubs figured he had died, because they were certain he hadn't changed.

But the trolls were biding their time.

Soon, they were to score their first direct hit.


_____________________________________________________


One Wednesday afternoon, Buffed was out at a car lot with Maurizio looking at Italian imports.

When the two men returned home, they heard a strange noise coming from the back bedroom.

Maurizio sat down on a chair and began reading an Italian fashion magazine.

Buffed proceeded to the back bedroom, following the alien splutter of laughter he heard.

When he opened the bedroom door, he saw Stephen, Wole and Aki with a beautiful blonde girl of about eighteen.

All four were naked and in one bed.

What were they doing?

Let's just say the men appeared to have an All Access pass.

A gay meltdown occurred in Buffed's brain.

He SCREAMED: "What the fuck is she doing in here? In my fucking bed! You all BELONG TO ME!!"

Suddenly everything froze. The men froze as if they were a still in a movie.

Funky white boy music had been playing. That froze too.

Buffed saw the number 1 appear five feet tall on one of his bedroom walls.

It had the red-orangey colors of flames...flames that were alive and stirring. In the shape of the number 1. There was no visible means of projection.

He heard the Tranny Fairy's voice then, coming from somewhere far above.

"Lack. Of. Gratitude. Number. One."

And then the number vanished, the music resumed and the men turned back from warm sculpture into breathing flesh and blood.

"Oh, sorry," Stephen said sincerely to Buffed. "We didn't realize. I mean that you would mind," he said in that charming English accent.

The young girl smiled strangely at Buffed as she jumped up and slipped into a lavendar sun dress that made her look like an elfin creature.

This was appropriate, since she was actually a hamadryad, a tree nymph, sent there by the Tranny Fairy.

"So sorry, Sir," she said and batted her eyelashes.

He didn't address her at all. Arrogant creature that he was.

She slipped into her shoes and left the room, showing herself out of the cottage.

Buffed waited until he heard the front door shut.

Stephen, Aki and Wole looked up at Buffed and smiled. Like children.

"You're not fooling me," he said.

But he didn't sound convincing at all.

"Im hungry for lunch. One of you make me a tuna melt," Buffed said.

"Aki got up to go to the kitchen."

He kissed Buffed on his bald head before he left the room.

That kiss sent a child down Buffed's spine, though he did not know why.

______________________________________________________________________

BuffedLeather45 had been given a good scare with his egregious slip-up.

He vowed there would not be a second lapse.

He didn't even want to contemplate what a second and a third lapse would mean, but in dreams his brain did this anyway.

Especially on nights of full moonm Buffed would wake shaking in terror after having had a nightmare in which he saw a spit being readied, and the Tranny Fairy's loyal creaturies salivating as they stared at him, beasts with yellow eyes, horned heads and hooves and claws instead of feet and fingers.

One of his supermodels would invariably pull him close to his chest and Buffed's hot tears would follow the ab lines in the young man's sculpted torso like a marble following a chic car's lines in an Infiniti commercial.

How could he believe these loving creatures were really trolls sent to seduce him to his destruction?

He was getting older. Without even realizing.

And yet he had lucid moments, where he could see through the subterfuge to what his tender lovers really were.

Once, he caught Aki eating a wild bird. It was a bluebird, and he had seen him pluck the creature from the air in its flight through the backyard.

And stick it in his mouth alive.

"Troll," Buffed muttered.

And his skin turned like an orange's skin with fear.

Aki tried to be sly (he must have sensed then he was being watched) and turned away quickly and tried to brush the feathers away from his sticky mouth, but Buffed saw his eyes had changed color and looked like topazes with blood in them.

Aki was shirtless, and wearing very sexy underwear whose spidery lacings were clearly Gaultier-inspired, and he turned a quick series of cartwheels and acrobat flips and arrived directly before Buffed in a perfect 10.0 Olympic landing.

Then he took Buffed in his strong arms and kissed him deep and long.

Buffed was amazed that there was no savor of bluebird.

It tasted of pure Aki.

Buffed was seduced and told himself he wasn't sure of what he had really seen.

So The War progressed.

_______________________________________________________________________


One day Buffed was alone briefly.

He had sent his love squad out on various missions. Stephen was doing Buffed's banking for him at First Fairy Savings & Loan. Maurizio was washing and waxing Buffed's teal sports car. Aki was grocery shopping for the portabello mushrooms and steak which Buffed craved today. Wole was taking care of Buffed's laundry at the establishment run by ogres which Buffed preferred to patronize.

Buffed got a greedy craving then to watch a videotape from his Library of Conquest.

Buffed had often taped himself and his various lovers through the decades and he had a Trophy Room stocked with hundreds of these videotapes, discs and even some quainter forms of image storage which history had bypassed.

He decided he would look at his 29th year, which was a particularly lecherous and erotically satisfactory year. Perhaps it was the sense that a flaming youth was going over from flambe to low Sterno flicker that made that year so intense sexually.

He found a tape in which a young man of twenty or so named Christian had proved a particularly apt pupil for a long weekend of sportive fucking in and even outside the ole cottage.

He was already feeling extremely aroused as he popped the antiquated VHS tape in the player and lay back to begin reliving one of his proudest conquests of seasons past.

And that's when a spelunking video came on the extra large screen.

A scientist was exploring caves on Sumatra and talking about the creatures which inhabited these subterranean chambers, the bones of extinct animals from the early Holocene which had been found here, yadda yadda...

And Buffed felt as though somebody had just poured ice water down his spine.

Inside.

He fast forwarded through the tape to find 1)an episode of Trolls Gone Wild 2)a documentary on underground horticulture 3) a comedy show called How to Be a Gay Man ("Research! You bastards!" Buffed thought) and then the last few hours were all cartoons.

He felt his blood pressure rising and he jumped up and put another tape in.

More Trollabilia. Trollania.

He threw the tape into a wall across the room and it shattered into something that looked like black seaweed, tape everywhere.

He checked another. The another. His compact disks. His ancient reel to reels.

Everything had been reused to record trivial things.

All of his most vainglorious conquests were gone.

He was not thinking when he screamed. He was pure feeling at that moment.

And that feeling was arrogant wounded vanity.

He covered his mouth as soon as the scream ended, but the scream had been so loud that birds had taken flight from the tall trees around the cottage where they sometimes like to perch to watch the spectacle of extremely vain gayness.

"No! No! No!" he said aloud though there was no one there.

"That surely CANNOT count! They're not even here. She can't know..."

He closed his eyes and counted to ten.

He opened them.

Nothing.

He felt his heart stomping on the inside of his chest like the bootsole of a skinhead on a Goth kid's skull.

He breathed a sigh of relief and walked out of the bedroom.

Flaming on the hallway wall was the number 2 in orange fire letters.

He heard her laughter then.

The Tranny Fairy was above his cottage laughing like a bilious old queen.

"That's soooo number two," she said with delicious vitriol.

"I suspect you will be getting a dinner invitation soon, My Dear! Tata! Or should I say tartare?"

Another cackle and she was gone.

Buffed was screaming and explostulating and arguing with her like an attorney.

Except he wasn't arguing with her.

He was arguing with the air.

Since she was long gone.

And he was the cat on the eight life, suddenly.

He felt real terror for the first time since he had seen his receding hairline.

It was time to get serious.

He was going to need to fight back.

But how?

He put his fist through the wall then.

And he decided he would kill The Tranny Fairy.

One way or another.

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