A Short Overview of the 21st Century

I consulted my crystal ball (okay, it's actually a lawn ornament from the Garden Department at Sears) and this is what it showed me of our future.

I'm thinking about returning the crystal lawn ball, and either trying another one for a better forecast, or simply exchanging it for store credit and buying one of those nifty rubber fish on a plaque that sings Creedence Clearwater Revival. You know, "Rolling, rolling, rolling on the river..."

2011: America's cats and dogs begin undergoing angioplasty and triple bypass operations, as the deleterious effect of tidbits handed down at table begins to take its cardiovascular toll. It becomes quite common in the Western hemisphere to hear someone say "My cat's cardiologist says..."

2013: The wooly mammoth is brought back from extinction thanks to genetic material harvested from a particularly well-preserved specimen discovered in Siberian ice. Soon, herds of mammoth are roaming the American west and other national parks and free range portions of the United States. These turn out to be particularly aggressive animals and scientists are shocked to learn the species operates under a "gang mentality." Younger, impressionable mammoths are goaded on into acts of vandalism by older, more hardened mammoths. Insurance agencies put "mammoth" exception clauses in all of their auto policies and the "Re-extinction Movement" begins gaining momentum by 2021. Also, targeted by the "Re-Extinction Movement" are the restored Dodo ("It reeks!"), the Giant Auk ("We don't like the way it looks at us!") and a species of elk with antlers fifteen feet high ("We're tired of righting them when they fall over. Nature often has a point with extinction!").

2024: Lindsay Lohan completes her transformation into Sister Lucinda and takes up permanent residence in Calcutta ministering to the sick and dying. The tabloids begin reporting on her stigmata, miracles and Visions so that she never leaves the front page of The Star during her lifetime, even though the last movie she made was a lesbian porno in 2021.

2032: Nail boutiques begin performing sex change operations on an outpatient basis. The quickness and efficiency of this operation are touted as "Box Lunch Specials" for the M2F operations, and the F2M operations are advertised with signs that read "Meat and Two Veg Lunch Special!"

2048: Demi Moore and Ashton Kuchur get their one billionth Twitter follower who tunes in to watch their mutually assisted suicide. Ashton pulls a fast one on Demi and substitutes a Skittle for his cyanide pill. As Demi fades away, he tells her that she's been "Punked!" and the septuagenarian Kuchur brings out a twenty-three year old Laotian girl he then begins banging on camera. Demi throws paper clips at him in a spaspmodic manner as this is the only thing she can manage in her death throes. "Awesome tweet!" is typed seven million times in three seconds, a new world record.

2051: The world's literary standards continue to decline as The Best of LOL Cats takes the place formerly occupied by The Collected Works of James Joyce on the influential Twenty Books that Changed the World list.

2063: The American National Anthem is changed to "Tha Streetz iz a Mutha." The rapper Kurupt's image is rehabilitated and he is known as "The Godfather of Our Country."

2072: Disney's "Sunken Atlantis of Iceland" becomes the number one worldwide tourist attraction created by global warming.

2088: Human life expectancy is upgraded to 211 years thanks to gene therapy and recombinant-DNA technology. Genes are "borrowed" from the Great White Shark and a long-lived species of tortoise. The legal drinking age is raised to 74. The age of consent is revised to 56.

2099: Prince plays a "Tonight I'm Gonna Party Like It's 2099" concert in Detroit to show support for a part of the country hit hard by the latest recession. He looks good for 140. His weight is still far below that figure. Many people resent the bailout of the hovercar industry, but President Eminem sticks to the Republican party line.