Twittering Machine

A bunch of homeless drunks are sitting, leaning against a concrete wall in a fucked-up city somewhere. DIAS is a drunk in an Aerosmith shirt. DIAF is a drunk in an Abercrombie & Fitch shirt. DIH is a drunk in a Hollister shirt. DIMM is a drunk in a Modest Mouse t-shirt. DIHK is a drunk in a pink Hello Kitty girl's shirt. All are male.

DIHK: I'm afraid of success. I think that's what it is.

DIAF: Shut the fuck up. You live in a box.

DIHK: So do you!

DIAF: Fuck you. Mine is a split level. And I have air conditioning. Your brother blows cum bubbles with his ass. That's why we have these gay ass t-shirts.

DIHK: Oh right. Air conditioning. That hole you cut in the top. Hey there goes your Dad. To work. I'm gonna call him over here. (shouting) Hey, Mr. Sowers! Vinnie!! Over here! Look, he's running. Hahaha!"

DIAF: You're an asshole. You really are.

DIAS: Moron brigade. Shut the fuck up. I'm trying to Twitter. Ashton Kuchur has more than a million followers on Twitter.

DIMM: I would blow a crack whore for an Orange Julius right now.

DIAF: Shut up with the fucking Orange Julius. Every fucking day. They went out of the mall. They ain't coming back. Get over it. Get into smoothies or something gay like that.

DIAS: Ashton Kuchur. Right. I think we could be friends. I would so like to get into something with Demi and him. I'd want her to throw me and Ashton around the room as G.I. Jane. And then she'd turn into a stripper and we'd both get on either side of her. And then I'd ask her if she could pretend to be Miley Cyrus or Rumer just so she'd fucking freak out and beat the shit out of me. I think that would be funny. And I'd film them throwing me out of the house and I'd put it on YouTube and it would get more hits than their fucking Twitter.

DIH: I think I have cancer. In my testicles. Or my ass or something. Have you seen my rectal thermometer?

DIAF: Check Hello Kitty's brother when he comes by. He's probably using it like one of those turkey pop-up thermometers so his boyfriend knows when he's ready. Hey what's the difference between Jeff Gordon....

DIHK: And a refrigerator. We all know it. That joke's as old as the green shit under your scrotum. Freak.

DIMM: I would cut off my little finger on my left hand if I had my own Orange Julius stand. Orange Julius and Bacardi. I love that fucking little bat to death.

DIHK: Okay. True or false. See if you get this.

DIAF: Oh fucking kill me. I hate these fucking games. We might have to wear gay shirts, but we don't gotta have a fucking cheeseball party on the street at 9 in the morning okay. I think I can smell your period from here. And it's ninety degrees. I swear I'm going to put some ice cubes under my balls. That feels so fucking good.

DIHK: True or false: The Ayatollah Khomeini approved free sex changes for all Iranian transgender people when he was in power.

DIAF: Fuck no! I'm sure he lined them up and shot them all. Wait. Fucked them and then shot them. He looked like a goat in a toga.

DIH: That's weird enough to be true.

DIMM: False. They're fundamentalist creeps.

DIAS: It's true. I just Googled it. That is so fucked up.

DIHK: Well, some people say it was the solution to not having "gay people" in their culture. Change their sex. Then they're not "gay."

DIAF: Hahahaha! Language is reality. But the horsey-faced ones. Won't that throw a monkey wrench into the view?

DIHK: There are horsey-faced women...and men...everywhere.

DIAS: I'm homeless and I'm addicted to alcohol, Google and Twitter.

DIAF: Epiphany alert. You should go on Oprah. Oprah specializes in epiphanies.

DIH: What's an epiphany? Is that a person?

DIHK: If you ask the drunk to your left, he will probably let you go to dictionary.com and read it. That way you will not forget it.

DIAF: You really do get a period, don't you? Do tampons really have wings? Is that just a myth? True or false? True or false? Es verdad? Falso?

DIAS: What the fuck was your brother doing with an Aerosmith t-shirt anyway? I mean I sorta get the other ones. Sorry to stereotype and no offense but...

DIHK: That relationship didn't work out.

DIAF: Gee, I wonder why.

DIHK: Oh please. If you think Steven Tyler's lips got that way without giving a few hundred blow jobs...

DIMM: Tru dat.

DIH: Religion, yo!

DIAF: Oh fuck you. Schlobben mein Knobben.