TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT! GET MR. GIRAUD INTO THE TOP FIVE!!
If you don't know who Matt Giraud is or where or why you should vote for him, I forgive you.
But you should still vote for him!
He's a contestant on American Idol.
Here are some reasons to vote for Matt Giraud.
Oh, and it's free to vote if you call it in and don't text like a dumbass. Texting costs money.
1) He has the best voice of any contestant. Okay, that's a subjective call. If you like Justin Timberlake, you probably like Matt's voice. I know Allison Iraheta is the next Pat Benatar, and we all know Adam Lambert can hit those "Axl Rose notes" over and over, but do you really want to own a c.d. filled with that caterwauling. (Yes, I used the officially retired word "caterwauling.") Adam is fun to watch. Let's keep it that way. I'm happy when a gay boy out of musical theater gets some props. Adam and Allison will both have big albums and huge followings. That's already foreordained. So let's help Matt instead.
2) Because he nearly throws up onstage almost every Wednesday night now, and I'm sure he projectile-vomits backstage before every performance like a fulmar chick protecting itself on a lonely stretch of Iceland's Ring Road when faced with a tourist.
3) Because he is not Danny Gokey. Danny Gokey is evil. Danny Gokey is manipulative. Danny Gokey is just another boring church singer. Danny Gokey Love Himself Too Damn Much. Danny Gokey has a Danny Gokey tattoo on his back. It's an image of his own face. That's how much he loves himself. Danny Gokey was "fake friends" with that guy who supported his career and could have cared less when that friend got cut. Danny Gokey mouths off to the judges because he thinks he is the next Elliot Yamin, which he can feel free to be, because Elliot Yamin sort of sucks too. Almost as much as Danny Gokey sucks.
4) Because Matt is a dueling piano player, which is one of the most awesome things to be on planet Earth. No, seriously. It is.
5) Because Matt Giraud is the nicest and most polite young man to ever grace the Idol stage. He does not diss his fellow contestants and he offers them support when they are in the bottom three. He even participates in the Big Brother program in the city in which he lives and his Big Brother kid and his mother give him the greatest ratings!
6) Because he is the cutest even with the boil, pimple or whatever that everyone likes to bust on. He has a large cranial capacity as well. A large cranial capacity can be attractive. As long as you keep hair on it.
7) Because Lil Rounds was born to be a backup singer and it's time she got to begin that dream. Tonight. And Anoop Desai just wants to get laid with his frat boys who cheer him on every week. Touring and recording albums will interfere with that frat boy dream, so it's time for him to chase cougars and M.I.L.F.s. I'm sure either Paula or Kara will give you her digits if you like the taste of cougar milk, Anoop.
8) Because Matt is possibly gay, and I have to support The Brethren. Even the possible Brethren. Okay, I don't think he is. But people seem to think he is, so that's another reason to defeat the haters out there by voting for him.
9) Because Matt cried like a little girl last week when they used the Idol save on him, and it was the bestest moment.
10) Because I will send you a free book or something if you vote 100 times for him tomorrow night. I don't know how you will verify this for me, maybe film yourself doing this and YouTube it. Then I will definitely be contractually obligated to send you a book. I'll give you a choice from like twenty-five.
Okay, Matt Giraud, I did my best!
It's in the hands of the gods and dialers now.
I promise to press REDIAL at least a few hundred times while I'm watching that Jim Carrey movie I rented.
GOOD LUCK, MATT GIRAUD!
MATT GIRAUD IS THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.
MATT GIRAUD WINS AMERICAN IDOL.
GO, MATT GIRAUD, GO!
This week is disco week and with a Timberlake voice, Matt should be able to nail this.
Matt, don't drive anywhere near my house in a snowstorm.
I have the Kathy Bates performance down now, and I know how to hobble dueling piano players.
I'm going out today looking for a porcelain pig collection.
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