Letter to Death

You are going to embarrass me, aren't you? I just have this horrible sinking feeling about how this is going to go down. The word "inopportune" comes painfully to mind. I have this sneaking suspicion you're planning this for just the right wrong moment. My name in the papers or something. No, I don't mean the obituary. Well, the obit but then on page 12 too. A read-between-the-lines-and-giggle kind of death. If we could just negotiate? Sleep is okay, I guess. But that's an applesauce sort of death, isn't it? Not even that. A cole slaw sort of death. The side you choose when you don't really like any of the choices for sides. I think maybe supreme innocence would work for me...like shopping for stuffed animals for ill, impoverished or ill-and-impoverished children, as I'm picking up the Hello Kitty. BAM! As Emeril says. Bitch goes down. Or maybe in the museum admiring a really troublous abstraction that removes me from my body, an insect sheaf. The Malevich heart attack. Sort of glamorous, sort of snotty but might work. In one's lover's arms seems such a movie cliche. I have too much hair on my arms to be Garbo. "Carry on, Little One..." Umm. No. He'll be line dancing in a week. He already has the cowboy hat. Trying to rescue a cat walking on the cornice of a historically important building? The cat leaps onto the head of a gargoyle and watches me fall. But that's a very ketchupy death. Yuck! Splat! Splash! Okay, Death. Please seriously consider the following! Here are my requests: NO falling, drowning, heart attack, NO CANCER, no dementia, no viruses, no freezing, no burning, no shark attack, no large heavy object like a bridge falling on me, no car crash, no serial killer or non-serial killer, no stabbing, no kicking to death, no stoning, no hanging, (wait let's just say no death by human hand or hands, okay...and no trickery with my end coming by feet or head butt...that's metonymy for no death by human in general...don't turn skeezer lawyer on me, Death. Be a mensch, okay?) no electrocution, no death by war, no nuclear accident, no wild animal devouring me, no blackhole entering our galaxy, no suffocation, no drinking so much water that I die by electrolyte imbalance, no choking, no explosions, no falling into the earth which suddenly opens up, no earthquake-related fatality, no hurricane, no cyclone, no tornado, no typhoon, no tsunami, how about we just agree no natural disaster and no disease at all (sorry I should have just broadened that earlier), no death by too-good sex, (no death by irony of any sort whatsoever in fact...nobody wants to die ironically...that's such a fucking double-whammy and you should just stop doing that to people. I'm sorry but you touched a nerve there! It's bad enough we have to see that shit in all the t.v. and movie writing, you know? Thanks for understanding.) no sudden dissolution of body's molecules, no stroke or vascular embarrassment (sorry should have said when I said no heart attack). Okay, can we just agree on those basic parameters? I think if we can get past those I can begin narrowing down some way I might find acceptable for you to do your business and me to remain satisfied as well. I eagerly await your response, and know that I am thinking of your share of work in this too and hoping to find a means of "extraction" that might involve minimal labor and/or expense on your part as well. See? I'm not a bad guy. Really, I'm not. Trust me. I may send a few more "No this or that" as the day goes on. I have to think about this some more. Your patience is greatly appreciated! And know I remain

Your Admirer,

William Keckler

Oh P.S.: Let's just agree no death by "blunt force trauma" of any kind. I wish I would have said that earlier to make this easier! Also, no bleeding to death. Oh, and no suicide either. That leads to talk. Did I say no gunshot wound already? Or is that, technically speaking, blunt force trauma? Sorry I didn't remember these sooner. Oh! Duh! No death by Alzheimer's Disease either. Wait, I said dementia of any sort. Didn't I? I don't remember. And I'm sure I'm forgettting a few important ones. Oh, no death by time travel preventing my birth! I bet you said "Damn!" when I said that one. You did, didn't you? You were keeping that one up your sleeve, weren't you? Hahaha. I like you. You're tricky. Street smart. Did I tell you I'm a fan of your work. Well, sometimes. I'll elaborate later. No, that wasn't a passive-aggressive move, Death. Really, it wasn't. Please don't hate me if I add a few more "no-no's" as the day goes on. I just know I'm forgetting a few important ones. Would it be asking too much to request your help with some of the ones I might still be forgetting? Also, I have a favor I want to ask of you. It's concerning Rush Limbaugh.