Bears and Canada

Yes, I admit sometimes I romanticize Canada just as Michael Moore does.

Yes Michael, they don't have guns the way we do.

Yes Michael, they don't have gun deaths the way we do.

They leave their doors unlocked and seem pretty darned enlightened compared to us sometimes.

Yes, Michael Moore. I saw your documentary.

But one thing Canadians have in superabundance I could seriously do without....

PEOPLE BEING EATEN ALIVE BY BEARS!!

It is a (pardon the pun) grisly sort of death.

I was worrying somewhat neurotically the other night, and I used this article at Wiki ("FATAL BEAR ATTACKS IN NORTH AMERICA") to distract me.

One salient point emerges: Bears in Canada feel completely entitled...nay, enfranchised...to eat humans.

What do Canadians have in superabundance that Americans don't have in superabundance?

A: Killer bears.

What do Americans have in superabundance that Canadians don't have?

A: Guns.

What's wrong with this picture?

The bears somehow know the Canadians are unarmed. I'm convinced of that.

They see a solitary worker out in a field (see case reports) and the first thing they think is doubtless 1) "He's Canadian." 2) "He's not packing." And then it is a small leap from there to 3) "He's edible."

I found the reports of these deaths quite horrific. In fact, it distracted me from my worry for some time, as even after reading it I found it necessary to check all the locks on the doors and windows in case some enterprising bears with digital skill (maybe circus-trained bears?) were in the environs.

Don't feed the bears. You might have thought that was funny in the Yogi Bear cartoon. But read what the sequelae of feeding bears actually are in that Wiki article!

And these bears are often pigs! They eat one human and come back and eat another or sometimes three people in one night. I mean, they're clearly not even giving the first person a chance to settle, not even giving their body a chance to digest. I think this aspect of the murders speaks to their poor breeding.

I love Kyger's poem about the bear breaking in the (empty) house. Cataloguing what he does. That's a great poem because it works as an allegory as well--a critique of The State.

There's an account of that happening out in New Mexico I think (it's in the list) where a bear broke in a septuagenarian's house and ate her.

It's so humiliating to have parts of your body removed from a bear's stomach and catalogued and put on the internet.

And they come and drag kids out of tents while they're still in the sleeping bag like some sort of Fruit Roll Up.

They're devious. They do this as the parents sleep. Sometimes the parents aren't even awakened.

Even in the Bible bears are evil. Remember all the she-bears that devoured those children that were making fun of that bald guy?

I was happy to see Pennsylvanian bears are generally well-behaved. Tennessee seems to be the bad place on the East Coast.

Oh, and don't go into the woods if you're having your period (same as the ocean rule).

I think metaphorical periods are okay.

I realize there are only 107 fatal bear attacks documented for over a century here, but never allow a little thing like scale or probability to get in the way of a decent terror.

Here's the article if you want to read the horrible accounts...



CanadiansTaste Good