Bipolar Illness and M.D.s

I noticed this interesting distinction.

When I announce to a doctor seeing me for one of my medical (bodily) symptoms, if I do not tell him or her that I am bipolar, the doctor will ask intelligent questions and notate things like chronology of symptoms, patterns, etc.

They inquire and rule things in or out.

But when I tell a doctor I have been diagnosed bipolar, suddenly the pen comes to a dead stop, and the long articulation of the disturbing symptoms I have had (some of which are very bizarre and troubling) begins to sound like the buzzing of a fly in an empty room.

Everything diagnostic comes to a sudden halt and suddenly I am one of Freud's celebrated cases of conversion disorder.

I can make myself blind. I can cause stigmata. I could probably easily levitate if I tried.

"Excuse me, I noticed you stopped writing down my symptoms. Is this the part where I begin to bleed from my eyes like a statue of the Virgin Mary on CSI?"

As the annoying little mallrats say: Whatev.

There is still the feeling that bipolar people (or all "mentally ill" people?) are not qualified to have a real physical illness---or possibly not have a real physical illness concurrent with their mental illness (well, seeing as this is a lifelong mental illness, that doesn't bode well for treatment).

I should turn the tables.

I should just turn the tables and say as soon as I walk into any doctor's office, "I'm quite sure it's all iatrogenic."

I mean to counter their ideas that because I'm bipolar it's all idiopathic.

What a dumb, 19th century word and concept that is anyway: idiopathic.

I play very dumb with most doctors.

Because I like to find out early 1)how manipulative they are and 2) how smart they are and 3) if they even have an ounce of empathy, compassion or desire to even diagnose correctly and/or heal me as a patient.

Unfortunately, I'm beginning to learn the more intelligent, results-oriented doctors are not always the nicest people.

So I don't allow my ego to come into it.

Why would I? I want to get/feel healthy again.

I have a few Vikings whom I would rather have as my doctors---though I would never want to be stranded with one of them out on the open ocean (they'd fillet me in a second). But I trust some of these more than the hand holders with antiquated notions.

I know which of my doctors don't like me. I know which ones of them actually despise me. Well, there's really only one of those, I believe. But that doesn't stop that doctor from being a professional.

I don't try to give offense. But there will always be a small group of people for whom your very existence is an offense. I mean, that's why Nazi Germany rolled along so smoothly. Those people are a minority, but they're not a teeny-weeny minority.

The general feeling of love for humankind is a gift. Like the ability to bowl. It's assigned randomly and in as stupid a manner as possible in this universe.

Sometimes the powerful people get it (yay!) but more often it seems to be the hopeless and feckless who receive it (awwww!)

Doctors are people too. They try. They have their debts, their libidos and their fears like everyone else (well except for my Doctor X, who is Conan the M.D.).

Generally, I seem to be doing very much better but something is still out of whack with my body.

I've tested negative repeatedly for all kinds of scary things from H.I.V. to mono to well you name it.

I was diagnosed with "scarlet fever" but after the "fact," and I did have really weird symptoms that seem to be strongly tied in to strep (even had the peeling feet, which happened quite dramatically and freaked me the fuck out).

The thing about a strep infection is that sometimes the body creates these "super-antibodies" to it which can do all kinds of weird things after the actual strep infection is cleared.

There seems to be a link between psoriasis and strep (or strep antibodies)...remember psoriasis (possibly eczema also?) is also in that auto-immune illness territory. This seems to be a pattern studies have seen in families.

And research now seems to be trying to prove that sometimes these antibodies are causing auto-immune diseases like RA and MS, among others.

I don't know.

I just know bipolar and a mystery illness (or even mystery illness residua) don't mix well.

Some doctors have told me I have "nothing" wrong with me, "no illness whatsoever." Some have written this down.

Others say "While we can't say what you do have, we can say what you don't have---rule out your greatest fears..."

I have this feeling I may die suddenly, so I tried to draw a "litigation tree" for Lee and explain to him how he should proceed should I suddenly die.

It's not personal. I actually like these caregivers. But one must look out for one's own, whether one is here or not.

It's funny: when I was a practicing alcholic I felt consistently immortal.

The irony is....now that I am several months in recovery I actually have concern for things as "trivial" as health.

Life's always a trade-off, I suppose.

I find Lifetime Movie Network a great solace lol.

And Edward Gorey.

Edward Gorey is generally a good friend during one's mental breakdown.

I just started on this Depakote (generic--I forget the name).

I will be optimistic about the future (or pretend to be).

Maybe the Depakote will make everything wonderful.

Maybe I will take to wearing purple robes and singing in perfect harmony with the music of the spheres shortly.

I do think I want to do a Goreyesque book of "Consoling Medical Quotations."

When I feel a distance from this (if--God willing--I ever do).

Because doctors and caregivers say some of the funniest things (quite unintentionally, I'm sure).

I do apologize to the medical practitioners of the city of Harrisburg and surrounding cities.

I really feel I should take some of these people out to dinner or something.

I mean some of them have seen me at 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. on several nights.

And then there was that "unpleasantness" where I was "detained" for a few days and nights which abruptly ended less than an hour after I requested a phone book and began jotting down numbers of particularly lean and hungry looking lawyers with large full-page ads in the Yellow Pages.