If My Blog Were a Room

I mean if it were an actual physical room...

I would buy too many pillows for it, until someone said sarcastically, "Do you think you have enough pillows?" Or unsarcastically, "Enough with the pillows already!"

I would put a chaise in it somewhere and I would probably ungenerously hog the chaise.

I would ask you to excuse "my valetudinarian nature" and refuse to explain further.

I would pretend I have scoliosis ("no, seriously--my spine just curls like a fiddle fern or a violin scroll!") to get the kindest of you to vacuum in my place.

I would have good pastries and candies available (kataifa, baklava, rugallah, etc.)

I would try to find that satin glass candy that grandmothers (and nobody else) like.

Unexpected visits on a blog are fine. In fact, they are the norm.

Although I admit I think it would be charming if someone called me and said, "I'm thinking about visiting your blog tomorrow about 3 p.m. Would that suit you?"

"Oh, most wonderfully!" I would doubtless say to such an etiquette-obsessed individual.

If you visited me in my physical blog room, I would fall silent after a few bouts of volubility.

Then you would begin to get the strange feeling I was the one who had come to visit you.

You might ask me if I "need anything" or ask "how long (I) intend to stay" and then realize your obvious error (this is my room) and blush.

I would apologize for your awkwardness.

When you begged leave to depart, I might brazenly ask if you would "bleach my small towels for me before you leave?"

The correct answer to this question is "No."

Don't fall for the punctilious "Sure!" as then there will be unpleasant sequelae.

But blogs are not physical rooms.

They are flat spaces where we have to imagine fuller spaces.

So imagine pillows inflating from two-dimensionality to three-dimensionality.

And of course I always choose a full range of sizes and shapes in pillows, so you may find extra large body size and teensy-weensy ones to assist in building the perfect ergonomically-correct neck supports.

And a few bolsters.

But no "husbands." Those hideous "armed" pillows should be reserved for those in body casts only.

They look as though they should go in coffins.

Who invented those? Matthew Brady?

Those are tacky.