i don't know why

i don't know why it was important that we buy solar lights for the yard this afternoon. it became this big mission. because there's not really money for necessary shit like food or the mortgage or medicine.

but it really bothered me that all those crappy solar lights were in tiny pieces and you left them on the lawn like that.

thinking that the lawn was dark all night. this street's always so fucking dark.

i think half the people are in iron lungs or serial killers who sit at their windows in the dark.

i asked you if people (asshole kids) had broken the lights walking by and you told me no, they just fell apart.

then i got mad because i thought you were humoring me and somebody hated me or hated you or hated both of us enough to break the little solar lights in the front yard.

the idea of this was like a biblical sort of war i could feel on the back side of my retinas.

and you said i was crazy, the solar lights fell apart when you were mowing the lawn. you said you ran the lawnmower into them and they just crumbled. like feta cheese or something.

and i thought that was crazy because how could they all fall apart...were you ramming the lawnmower into each light? were you having an epileptic seizure while you were mowing the lawn?

people had to be hating. i said. just tell me.

some assholes did this.

somebody wants to communicate something. we have communicators.

admit it. i said.

stop lying to me about things that help me remain sane.

i think i should know if i'm being attacked in effigy. if people are attempting to destroy me by smashing little solar lamps in my front yard.

and then one day i got tired of seeing the lights with the tops knocked off them and the shattered plastic fragments all over the yard (why the fuck did you just leave them there?) and i went to pick them off the lawn and they just fell apart in my hands. the plastic parts of the lamps were so brittle you couldn't even touch them without them just fragmenting. like mummies in the thirties movies that would break up into pieces the size of postage stamps.

it was ridiculous.

and so today when you got some money and the most important thing in the world was to buy solar lamps.

even before we bought medicine. or food.

and we found some at Target that were metal and were cheap because nobody buys solar lamps in october.

i realized how stupid it was and later we had to go back to the bank and move money from your account into my account so the electric bill wouldn't bounce.

i think i gave myself cancer while i was thinking about some person destroying those solar lamps.

you know it's gonna be like this when you die.

you're gonna clench up like a fist, your whole body, and if you finally realize it's not personal you're gonna just relax and let the fist go.

that's as good as it's gonna get.

if it gets good at all when you're lying there.

and you will be lying there.

because you won't be lucky enough for it to be one of those lightning type deaths.

nobody gets that unless they're like twenty-one and then it's different, isn't it?

because lightning isn't really that merciful.

it's only doled out to a few.

and if i'm really unlucky i'm gonna get confused again about the solar lights.

right there in the middle of it.

i might forget and get really pissed at somebody who doesn't exist and think they're doing it to me.

all over again.

they're glowing in the yard right now. i just checked.

i want to wire explosives to them, so if somebody touches them they go off like mines and take their motherfucking heads right off.

it's only right.

i could trip out there in the middle of the night.

they make a pretty airstrip sort of effect.

it helps me sleep at night.