PROGERIA

I believe I may have progeria.

I think I am just getting it late.

I realize it's most likely to strike when you're like four or five.

But I think it just found me late.

I think it can still happen at forty-three.

I know this means I will need to wear a cheerful baseball cap because that's what you need to do when you are infinitely pathetic.

In fact, you usually need a huge collection of baseball caps. In all different colors.

So I think I better get started on this. Hat thing.

PROJECT RUNWAY should have the contestants be forced to design for child progerics.

I want to hear what Michael Kors (that great lowing cow in black) says when the progerics come down the runway in the outfits.

I am feeling more progeric by the minute.

Even as I type this, I can feel my fingers stiffening.

I will say anything to the MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION. Shamelessly.

Fuck Disneyland.

Nothing is balm to a progeric homosexualist like gay porn twins.

Would you deny a poor child?

If I look like an albino version of E.T. you will give me whatever I want.

I will live past the equivalent of two hundred just to watch you on the rack of empathy.