It is I, the Glass Unicorn. Who talks like that anyway? The correct American English human person talk is "It's me." You should have just said, "Hi. It's me. The Dust Bunny." No doubt you now realize I'm a fascist since I'm telling you what you should say. I'm putting words in your famous dust bunny mouth. I did understand that you probably weren't lying in what you just wrote me but don't take this the wrong way: I think you are really fucked up. I thought about a lot of things when I read you email, but mostly Walt Disney I think. The death of Michael Jackson as a Walt Disney cartoon. That's something you would write well, in your dust bunny way. It's interesting you saw the shopping cart in the rainy parking lot as a dichotomous situation. I could think of lots of other things to do with the shopping cart besides leave it or take it. It doesn't surprise me that you were in a dissociative state when I read my novel to you. That's not meant as an insult. It's just a vibe I get off you. I believe you have a lot of money. That's a thing to know about a person, isn't it? Maybe it wasn't empathy but just some form of stupid grammatical impulse that made you think of taking the cart inside the store. Maybe you have a compulsion to complete sentences. This is why you are a successful dust bunny. Even writing me here is a form of completion of a sentence. That makes me want to derail the sentence, possibly. To make your sentence crash into the wall before you push it there yourself. I don't know if you're straight or gay but probably you've encountered this situation when a relationship is ending. The race towards the destruction of the relationship can become so exhilarating it puts the participants in great peril. And they might even giggle while they're doing it. I can't get past that shopping cart. Why the fuck did you tell me that? Maybe you get off on pushing the cart into the queue of the other carts in the foyer like it was your dick. You probably split into three more dust bunnies during the time it took me to write this email to you. I hope you won't find it offensive that I find that sort of disgusting. How quickly your kind reproduces.
Warmly,
The Glass Unicorn
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3 comments:
You've blown my mind, and I just e-mailed you separately with proof.
Email received and responded to, Sir.
I told you we were conjoined twins but somebody got in there with a hacksaw when our Momma wasn't looking.
Even your story about the apparition...I had that eerie corollary to that...
We should do a t.v. program where we go to separate cities and just do things.
And cameras follow us to see if we are doing the same things.
It would be really funny if you and I were like pulling bark off trees at the same time.
Of course, the trick would be to do it as a hoax so it got really ridiculous...like we would both insist we see a frog foetus in a bottle of Vlasic pickles in a grocery store...me in Idaho...you in Alabama...
Sort of how they do all those Ghost Hunter crappy shows...
We could call it Bill and Craig's De-Conjoined Psychic Adventure...or BCDP for short...
xo
I love your BCDP idea! The beautiful thing is that we wouldn't have to hoax it at all. I mean, we *were* independently writing about dust bunny reproduction at the same time, and we both concluded that dust bunnies divide. I'm not sure that frog foetus or anything else we might imagine will be able to compete with the *real* stuff.
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