1. EVERYTHING can't be Kafkaesque, can it? I ask myself this over and over, even though I know it's a rhetorical question.
2. I read today my state (Pennsylvania) is collapsing. I have long believed this, as I have noticed numerous cracks in the pavement, divots in the asphalt, odd leans to both houses and people, and when I step forward my foot falls alls by itself and seems to take longer each time (by a few milliseconds) to hit the earth.
3. I don't give a fuck about the Nazca lines or what they were for. I don't care that you can only see them well from the sky. I don't care if the natives drank Pre-Columbian Kool-Aid and had giant fuck-everything orgies in them or not. Stop fucking talking about them, History Channel.
4. When I watch the X-Files (usually in fifteen second increments) I study David Duchovny's face and try to see if he is obsessing about pussy. I try to spot involuntary Duchovny erections during scenes that might contain "sex addiction" triggers.
5. The Nazca ant one looks cool though.
6. The people I hate most on earth are Nostradamus and Dan Brown. Because they have ruined television for the next three years at least. Fifty percent of what anybody says on television has something to do with Nostradamus, one of Dan Brown's books, or the year 2012.
7. I call insurance agents everyday and ask them if there are "2012" clauses in their insurance policies just to ruin their day.
8. I told my therapist today he looked as though he had lost "4 pounds." I don't know if I was complimenting him or insulting him. I don't understand some of the things I say.
9. I told Amanda today she looked like somebody in Silence of the Lambs but not Jodi Foster. I think that disturbed her, but I didn't mean it that way. I think I'm thinking of a very minor character and not one who ends up with her skin under a Singer sewing machine.
10. I talked about two bloggers with my therapist today and my therapist psychoanalyzed them. Wait, can he psychoanalyze without a medical degree or can he just pass judgment?
11. My therapist feels I might need a miracle worker. I agree. Are they part of the social services network? Do they adjust for income?
12. Caller i.d. was the greatest invention of the twentieth century. The concentration camp was the worst invention of the twentieth century.
13. That joke isn't funny anymore.
14. The chairs in the waiting room at the psychiatric clinic where I go were all clearly acquired from a Chinese restaurant that went out of business.
15. When I saw three people sitting in these chairs waiting to be seen as I was leaving, I was so tempted to say "Let me guess which one of you is crazy!" But I didn't because I'm sure it was a family counseling situation. They were all crazy.
16. When I have to choose between disheveled and disgruntled, I usually go with disheveled.
17. I ran out of computer ink. What are the chances that a resume written in crayon will be taken seriously? I mean, if you're applying somewhere other than the Cartoon Network?
18. CURRENT TV is getting sluttier. I approve.
19. I think there is a great possibility that many of my "symptoms" are either being caused by acid reflux or demonic possession. Which is cheaper? Otolaryngology or exorcism?
20. The Pope blessed me this morning from Rome. I was eating a generic form of Apple Jacks at the time.
21. A "sociopathic smile" is usually a good thing to present during the interviewing process.I am working on mine with a mirror.
22. Never tell a hiring manager that you feel an unnatural attraction towards the Poor Clares.
23. I worried today about the stuffed tiger that was in the neighbor's trash and got rained on for days upon days. He has vanished. The trashmen wouldn't take him so I wonder what happened to him. And I never even took his picture.
24. The penis (despite the prevailing belief of most men) is not an objet d'art.
25. Some days the only difference between a rock and myself is that I shave. I would say "and bathe" but I notice rocks tend to do that also (the rain).
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7 comments:
I loved this piece.
Everything is indeed Kafkaesque, you just have to hold onto that belief or kill at least ninty people a day.................
Nick
Re: #4 -- Just watch "Californication" Season one and it will all become clear.
Re: #10: Was it me? Please let me know what my analysis was. I may need professional help.
Hey Nick,
Ta!
You get quoted "the lotion in the basket" (or your namesake does) in a great poem at the blog by the person who comments right below.
It is indeed a universe of confluent coincidences.
xo Bill
Yes, you were one of the bloggers and I tried to get him horny and very impressed describing you.
It worked on both counts.
His wife kicked him out, though, because he gets horny and impressed when situations warrant it.
So it's sort of like finding yet another brother of mine.
I think I brought you up because I have "digital envy" when it comes to your art skills.
Don't worry. It was all good stuff.
It was yet another dodgy way to avoid talking about how fucked up I am.
I save that for OUR telephone conversations.
Even though you can't prescribe medication. I'm secretly hoping you can create a "Xanax lab" the way the kids can set up "meth labs" so quickly today.
Can you do that for me, darling?
Yeah, I know all about the Inferno fo Withdrawal.
But as I say to all my therapists: "Withdrawal? What's THAT??"
xo b
I am anxious to hear his analysis of me! I will work on the Xanax lab... after all, I *am* the Package Insert of Sorrows, and my blog is somewhat devoted to the idea that drug package inserts are the literature of the future.
it would be great if those little packet inserts they put in with flowers when you buy them were really coke or something.
flowers would make a comeback. even in this tough economy.
and the little silica gel things that keep things dry..if they were coke too...
he was just phishing for j.o. material.
i told him you were a contortionist with a therapist fetish.
was that wrong?
As I said on my now defunct MySpace page, "About Me is a subject for your therapist." LOL!
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