While I think we can all agree it's a good thing FACEBOOK doesn't allow us to know when someone has de-friended us, let's imagine a masochistic scenario in which such an option could be chosen.
The de-friender could then send a personalized message explaining why or I think it would be much funnier if they chose from some boilerplate "reasons" such as the following.
REASONS I DE-FRIENDED YOU ON FACEBOOK (PLAYGROUND RULES)
1. You talk too much. And you never shut up.
2. I only friended you, knowing that you are an obssessive-compulsive "friend whore collector" and that you would not notice when I later quietly slipped away.
3. You added my ex (or several of them), you stupid ass-hat!
4. I got tired of photographs of your kitty, puppy, ferret, lizard, goldfish, whatever (fill-in-the-blank) the fuck creature you are using to substitute for real human interaction and using to get cheap coos of admiration.
5. I added you when I was drunk and realize now I have no idea who you are.
6. I added you when I was drunk and thought you were hot but later blew up the photo and realized my mistake.
7. I Googled you and found out you dissed my choice of adverb in one of my poems in 1992.
8. I realized others might disastrously think I approve of your lifestyle, design choices, literary affiliations, clothing, musical likes, and/or facial features.
9. It gave me a great feeling of power to erase you after accepting your pathetic bid for friendship in the malicious glee of bad faith which others call my deluded sense of superiority, but I simply call my superiority.
10. You posted a Debby Gibson video. I don't care if there was irony involved.
11. You did join the first 17 of my groups, but you declinied to join the 18th.
12. You did not become my "Fan," though I sent you three invites.
13. You are a flatline on Google Trends.
14. You did not subscribe to my blog, my fan group, nor sign up for my Wedding Registry at one of the eleven convenient locations I offered.
15. You didn't kowtow to my FACEBOOK precedence. I have been working this venue since 2007. You don't seem to get the "hierarchy" of when you are allowed to speak and in what manner.
16. I added somebody who hates you yesterday so you had to go.
17. You didn't thumbs up my slam on the new Transformers movie.
18. You didn't join my group to "END SURCHARGES FOR ADDITIONAL CONDIMENTS AT MCDONALD'S." That really hurt, dude.
19. I only added you as a possible American contact for a future terrorist plot, but then realized you like a lot of Jewish comedians.
20. You deleted a member of my FACEBOOK posse. Paybacks are a bitch.
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4 comments:
hahah, i may start a facebook group to get this incorporated wait till its popular then leave the group abusing all and sundry as i go
To quote SOUTHPARK: "Don't do it, Kid!"
In the quixotic, self-destructive department (since you bring it up) I was thinking of rewriting my resume so it says things like
*UNDEFEATED FOR THIRTEEN STRAIGHT GAMES ON BOGGLER BASH ON POGO 8/13/09.
*IN TOP FIVE DAILY SCORES ON FINGERJIG AN AVERAGE OF 3/4 DAYS.
*HAVE SEEN EVERY EPISODE OF FORENSIC FILES AND CAN PREDICT THE ACTUAL KILLER WITHIN THE FIRST TWO MINUTES OF THE SHOW STARTING
*CAN WRITE SYNOPSIS OF 96.7% OF LIFETIME TELEVISION MOVIES MADE BETWEEN THE YEARS 1988-2008
ETC. ETC.
I wonder if that will help?
personally i can't see any potential downsides to such actions
Then I smile you and me onwards like goldfish.
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