THANK YOU for that humongous AUTISM! bumper sticker you sent!
THANK YOU for keeping the Koko logic.
THANK YOU for bleaching that cryptic ikebana that grows on all your dildos.
THANK YOU for trying to teach me your douchebag mating call.
THANK YOU for faking literary orgasms for all those years.
THANK YOU for quarantining your blog when it got that "condition."
THANK YOU for making the pink lab mice with the weird NYC neoteny.
THANK YOU for letting me know how your fake persona really felt about me.
THANK YOU for using sterilized phrases like "issues."
THANK YOU for being the critical equivalent of the Mammy wiping down the kitchen floor in the old porn, moving that big black ass side to side.
THANK YOU for not FACEBOOK-sharing our incident report.
THANK YOU just for being you, a floating Basic Instinct for sequins.
I wanted to THANK YOU for not appearing to me in your true Alien Form.
Because I know how terrifying that is to us mere mortals, and how icky
that second jaw is when it opens to reveal the plantlike cunning tongue
when you sing that song from LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS.
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