The FACEBOOK Hedgehog Suicide

Once upon a thyme, there was a Happy Hedgehog who lived inside a bush which had been trimmed by royal topiarists into the form of a giant elephant. The Happy Hedgehog lived there with his loving wife and children. The couple was house-proud, and other hedgehogs tended to look with envy upon their topiary home, a property which annually increased in value. One day in midlife, a fellow hedgehog talked The Happy Hedgehog into joining FACEBOOK. The Happy Hedgehog thought it was the greatest thing he had ever seen for about 137 days. "Sweet!" he would say, trying to sound like a much younger hedgehog, and making his hedgehog children (who of course had him on FACEBOOK block) cringe. And then on the one hundred-and-thirty-eighth day, the Happy Hedgehog got severely depressed by something that happened or didn't happen on FACEBOOK (the note wasn't quite clear) and shortly thereafter commited suicide by running under a riding mower being driven by the head gardener's son, whose face was sprayed with Mr. Hedgehog's blood during the suicidal process. This child was misdiagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome after this event, but several decades later correctly ended up in orgone/reiki, after a string of unsuccessful marriages and several more inexplicable homicides-by-vehicle. After the Happy Hedgehog's death, his wife sold at a yard sale the many electronic devices the Happy Hedgehog had purchased to maintain constant contact with his FACEBOOK account, even though the Hedgehog children begged and pleaded with her to keep them. But by this time, the topiary real estate market had collapsed, and the family was hurting for vegetables. Mrs. Hedgehog went into a tailspin depression from Mr. Hedgehog's suicide and went from a healthy globular shape to a frightening elliptical one. She died during a grand mal seizure and the Hedgehog children were adopted by a horrid family of weasels who misused them terribly and treated them like the lowest of servants. The Happy Hedgebook's FACEBOOK account was deleted by a bot after nine years. Several of his FACEBOOK friends took great umbrage on that day, because they thought that he had deleted them. They were not aware he had gone to meet the Great Rototiller in the Sky many seasons prior. So they acted like assholes towards real people in their life for a few days. And that was rather the extent of the tragedy.