Gratitude Series: I Am Grateful...

God or Satan came to me today and reminded me that I could invert my pessimism and focus on the things for which I should be grateful. Like the fact that I didn't type "the things I should be grateful for" in the last sentence, thus ending with a preposition. But you will note that the last "sentence" is, alas, a grammatical fragment and not a sentence at all.

So shipwreck after shipwreck accumulates in language, and we call it a library. Or something.

Anywhere, here's today's gratitude.

I am grateful that I earned -$68.34 today instead of, say, -$489.91. I can earn that tomorrow or the next day.


I am grateful that most people seem to regard me as "deeply disturbed." This means I get uninterrupted sleep (except at the times when I am sleepwalking in the hardware store--usually purchasing knives or hatchets).


I am grateful that people seem to step out of my way wherever I walk, allowing me a good berth, although the whispering behind me does seem to interfere with the frequency of my inner brain radio. However, when I politely yell, "Hush, Scorpions!" at the time I am having trouble hearing this radio station, the whisperers seem to quickly and politely comply with my request, for which I am, again, extremely grateful.

I am extremely greatful for my spelling abilitys.

I am so grateful I opted for my Ubangi lip plate instead of some awfully permanent tattoo.

I am grateful that my cat Dru keeps his fleas to himself. In return, I promise to keep my feline leukemia to myself.

I am grateful that humans are so recyclable.

I am grateful that the United Nations has agreed to entertain my proposal to declare My Bed a separate and independent sovereign nation.

I am grateful that days end even when they never begin.

I am grateful that inclement weather makes a good excuse for so many things. Like homicide.

I am grateful for my friends. And I am grateful that they all fit under my bed so neatly.

I am grateful that that banshee in the neighborhood went to Haiti on vacation last week.

I am grateful for Harry Potter movies and masturbation.

I am grateful for serial killers, who provide 90% of the viewing material available on American television.

I am grateful for blogs, the Talk Soup of human depression.

I am grateful for forced gratitude, which makes a great tactical crowbar when placed in the hands of an effective therapist or minister.

I am grateful that lobsters live at the bottom of the ocean and not in my rectum.

I am grateful that mental illness allows time to flow in many different directions, instead of just one.

I am grateful that sleep comes in so many wonderful flavors and pills.

I am grateful that the Ottoman Empire decided to make footstools, instead of continuing to kill millions of people.

I am grateful that credit cards award bonus points, even when they are being used in the commission of felonies.

I am grateful Vincent D'Onofrio is not my psychoanalyst, as his baby-talk tonality would soon lead to either homicide or suicide.

I am grateful for summer picnics with martinis with a twist of Lyme disease.

I am extremely grateful for porno directors who have no ambitions to write "convincing dialogue."

I am exceedingly grateful for the 16X fast-forward button when watching porno.