If You Missed this Week's Installment of The Bachelor...

Here is a quick rehash of the drama.

JAKE TAKES VIENNA ON A ONE-ON-ONE DATE...

Vienna: I'm so happy to be here with you right now.
Jake: I'm an actor.
Vienna: I really feel as though I've come to that point in my life where I'm ready to just totally commit to a man, just totally fuse my soul with him.
Jake: I'm an actor.
Vienna: It's so wonderful being up in the air in this helicopter with you. Do you think I weigh less because we're flying? Does my ass look smaller? I know all the other bitches are so jealous right now they're forgetting to purge after they binge.
Jake: My teeth have been offered their own reality show.
Vienna: I'm wondering if you feel the same way about me...
Jake: I have a better profile than you.
Vienna: I mean I take this whole thing very seriously. It's not just another lame reality show to me.
Jake: Would you allow me to have my doctor friend inject you with an oncogenic virus so that you could get cervical cancer for the eighth episode this season? It would mean a lot. I could demonstrate extreme empathy when you were "diagnosed."
Vienna: I guess. Will it hurt?
Jake: No. Cancer doesn't hurt. It just aches a little.
Vienna: Okay. Do I get a rose?
Jake: Sure. If you give me some quick oral when the cameraman takes his next smoke break.
Vienna: As long as you're completely clean. I don't want to get anything.
Jake: I'm a pilot. Didn't you know all pilots are m.d.s?
Vienna: Oh right. Of course. I'm not stupid.
Jake: Can you sing "Pocket Full of Sunshine" when you do it?
Vienna: Wait! Is this really a secret tryout for American Idol!!?
Jake: Uhhh...Yes?
Vienna: Ohmigod, I like so KNEW it!
Jake: Can we step this up a little? Cara, Randy and Simon are waiting.
Vienna: Sorry. That wasn't really a breath mint I was sucking on. It was the abortion pill.
Jake: The producer? The guy with the breath that smells like garlic and the gut like a hedgehog?
Vienna: Yes. Last night.
Jake: You too?
Vienna: Yes. Did you swallow?
Jake: Did you?
Vienna: No.
Jake: Haha. Bitch, he's never gonna call ya back.
Vienna: Didn't you hear? He got shitcanned this morning. He wasn't really a producer. That was a boom guy impersonating the producer. He just got out of prison or something.
Jake: Motherfucker.

TENLEY BARES HER HEART AND SOUL TO JAKE IN A TEARFUL ONE ON ONE.

Tenley: Jake, there's something I just have to get off my chest. I don't want you finding out from one of the other girls or the producers or Perez Hilton.
Jake: You're a MAN! Fuck, I knew it!
Tenley: No. I wish it were that simple. This is much worse.
Jake: You're poor?
Tenley: I was married once. Long ago. I was prepared to give everything...he was the only man I ever gave myself to. And only once. On our wedding night.
Jake: And you're surprised he left you...why? Help me out here.
Tenley: I didn't realize I had to do sex more than one time.
Jake: Technically, it's "have sex." Although, I will confess you are starting to get me a little excited. I've never had sex with the retarded before. Listen, will you promise me you'll never eat spaghetti? I mean in front of me. I don't think I could stand watching one of you people eating spaghetti.
Tenley: I prefer Spaghetti-O's. Because you can put the can in the oven. Not the microwave. Did you know cans shouldn't go in a microwave. I have a funny story...
Jake: Are you toilet trained?
Tenley: My yoga instructor helps me with that.
Jake: What about here on the show?
Tenley: I've been holding it for three weeks.
Jake: Ohmigod.
Tenley: Most of the other girls go every two weeks. After the grapes the producers feed us work their way through. Grape for breakfast. Grape for lunch. And half a grape for dinner as I'm usually stuffed by then. So I'm only slightly irregular.
Jake: You should consider dieting.
Tenley: I'm drinking the reduced calorie water the producers manufacture.
Jake: Good.


JAKE FINDS IN HIS ONE-ON-ONE WITH ASHLEIGH THAT SOME OF THE GIRLS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ONE OF THEIR HOUSEMATES....

Ashleigh: I'm so glad we finally have some time to actually sit down and get to know each other. I hate Vienna.
Jake: But I'm so tired of talking about me.
Ashleigh: What? I wasn't talking about you.
Jake: I know. And I'm not sure I can forgive you for that.
Ashleigh: But I'm fairly certain that it's a faint possibility that if by some strange chance we ever avoided the inevitable meaningless chatter of scripted reality show babble we might theoretically, hypothetically, improbabilistically find we have a one in a billion chance of having a conversation about the weather that could last the rest of our lives.
Jake: Lips only? Or do you need manual?
Ashleigh: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Jake: I was just wondering if your blowjob is the sort that can get the homogenized out without the need of resorting to feeble hand stimulation. I hate that handicapped sort of fellatio.
Ashleigh: Who's Fellatio? Is he one of the producers?
Jake: I like you Ashleigh. Tell me more about how much you hate Vienna. Would you wear a 3x extrawide strap-on and punish her? Would you let me film you doing that?
Ashleigh: Hello! I already did that for my audition tape.
Jake: Shit. You didn't see my audition tape, did you?
Ashleigh: Dude. It's on GAYASSWRANGLERS.com. And I even saw the "interior shots" on UP-PERISCOPE.COM.
Jake: They said that was a medical exam. That everybody had to get one!
Ashleigh: Do film crews stand around when you get ALL your colonoscopies? Duh.
Jake: They said they were residents. They said it was a "teaching institution."
Ashleigh: I need to botox. I just felt my lips move.
Jake: Shit. Me too. I think that ball droop is coming back.

JAKE MEETS ALI, WHO REINFORCES A THEME....

Ali: Hi Jake. Thank God we finally got a chance to skedaddle from the rest of the gaggle of girls and finally get to know each other! I hate Vienna.
Jake: Well it looks like we have something in common.
Ali: What? You hate Vienna too!?
Jake: No. You're a scheming shallow cunt who couldn't care less about every other human being but yourself. And I'm a scheming shallow cunt who couldn't care less about any other human being but myself.
Ali: Can I have a rose?
Jake: What's the magic word?
Ali: Fellatio?
Jake: That's a good girl.


JAKE FINDS MICHELLE IS NOT JUST GOING TO BE IGNORED....

Michelle: Jake, I'm sorry that I had to drug you and transport you to this garden shed, but I feel so deeply about you that I just couldn't go on just being invisible. I mean, you barely responded when I donated that kidney to the transplant center and had them keep it on file in the event you should ever need it.
Jake: Can't feel my legs....
Michelle: It's just I really, really, really want a husband. And I mean like ten years ago. Every one of my siblings is married and has children. Every one! Do you understand how disappointing that is to my mother?!?
Jake: Are we on a carnival ride? Are there three of you or only one of you?
Michelle: The sedative will wear off in a day. You're probably experiencing some mild drug interactions from the experimental fertility drugs I injected into your baby makers. The Haitians said that would probably happen.
Jake: I hate children. They all want face time. And they don't want to pay a thing for it.
Michelle: Kiss me. I want you to kiss me right now. You kissed those other bitches. Now you're gonna kiss me.
Jake: Can't feel penis...
JAKE KISSES MICHELLE WEAKLY, AS THOUGH HE WERE KISSING HIS 70 YEAR OLD AGENT SAL. AGAIN.
Michelle: You call that a kiss? What the fuck was that? I want to feel TENTACLES rooting down my esophagus, wrapping themselves around my OVARIES, squeezing out ova like Heinz Ketchup, demanding I produce babies with the insanely compulsive evolutionary drive of the Mother Alien that nearly tore Sigourney Weaver to SHREDS!! I want your baby ammunition, sperm ambition, I want to be OVERFLOWING WITH YOUR MILKY MALE MODEL CHROMOSOMES!
Jake: I can't feel my tongue...
Michelle: You're playing hard to get, aren't you? I'm not sure you really deserve me. I think maybe I should go home.
Jake: I'm sterile. Too much flash photography.
Michelle: Fuck this. I'm out of here.


SULTRY SOUTHERNER ELLA BRAVELY DECIDES TO INTRODUCE JAKE TO HER SON ETHAN, AND THEY GO ON A DAY TRIP TO SEAWORLD...

Jake: I think it's really brave of you to introduce me to your son like this. I mean some people are so narrow-minded in their interpretation of Megan's Law.
Ella: Well, Jake, you've spent ten minutes with my son now, so I'm absolutely certain that I can entrust his life and future to you.
Ethan: Thanks for the balsa wood airplane from the dollar store, Jake! Did you pay for it yourself?
Jake: It was comp, son. Like my ab implants.
Ethan: Mom, can I get ab implants when I grow up?
Ella: If you promise to grow up good and gay like I asked, sure.
Ethan: Thanks, Mom.
Ella: SEA WORLD is so lovely. Who knew marine animals can't undergo liposuction. I know. Because I asked. This is what do you call it? Educational?
Ethan: Yeah. I learned what a "box lunch" is from Jake.
Ella: A lovely day all around. And I'm wondering if there might be a special surprise for a certain someone at the end? A floral surprise?
Jake: Well, I must admit that I have decided to give a rose...
Ella: Oh Jake!
Jake:....to my penis.
Ella: Your penis?
Jake: I really enjoyed our day. But.
Ella: But what?
Jake: Huh? You lost me. It's getting late. We better get back to the show...
Ethan: Thanks for helping me in the bathroom, Jake.
Jake: No problem, son. Now you know how to really enjoy those automatic "hand dryers."

JAKE AND ELIZABETH EXPERIENCE SOME TENSION...

Elizabeth: You want to kiss me but you can't. I want to kiss you. But I'm not sure I should. I look like Lindsay Lohan. You don't look like anybody who's going to die prematurely. That's bad. Do you want to kiss me?
Jake: You look like Lindsay Lohan. Why aren't you putting out? You're confusing my brain, because you say one thing and then you say another thing. And the two things have to go together. I remember the one thing but not the other thing. How can I understand you if you say two things in order?
Elizabeth: I have better lips than you.
Jake: I am the Bachelor. Why are you prettier than me?
Elizabeth: I have better cheekbones than you.
Jake: You make me all lesbian gaga.
Elizabeth: I have much better chances of securing a lesbian than you. In fact, I could get two before you could get one.
Jake: I am jealous of your lesbian potential.
Elizabeth: You want to kiss me.
Jake: I want to kiss me, yes.
Elizabeth: Give me a rose. Now. You are getting very sleepy.
Jake (weakening): Must fight Lindsay Lohan clone....
Elizabeth: I am the REAL Lindsay Lohan. Open your eyes.
Jake: If you are the real Lindsay Lohan, drive a Corvette into the swimming pool right now.
Elizabeth: I...I....
Jake: Aha! You are not the real Lindsay Lohan. You've been conscious for two whole hours...that's what gave it away...
Elizabeth(faking): I feel all droopsy-poopsy. I hope you don't date-rape me. Oh no. Please don't date-rape me, because I do anal when I'm unconcious and that would be just...terr-i-ble...
Jake: Too late! You have no more power over me. Security! Take this fake Lindsay Lohan to a fake rehab where she can have fake tabloid photographers take fake photos of her for a fake YouTube video until she gets hired by real porn producers seeking a real fake Lindsay Lohan who will give real masturbators fake Lindsay Lohan orgasms.
Elizabeth: Have you been reading my diary?