Past Tense

There is no past tense in American.

You are speaking a substandard dialect.

There's no crying in flamethrowing.

Nobody really likes Thoreau.

That's pretend like.

Like Regis & Kelly.

That's "we know you can't reach the remote" programming.

You're in that funny economic traction.

Switch to the Murder Show.

Now we're talking.

Treat them more like the celebrities they are.

Death Row coupons for plastic surgery, couture, desert spas.

Give them the mud and cucumber treatment.

Earthworms rule.

It's in the country's DNA.

The country can't help it.

The entire country is a girl who wants to be murdered.

Because she thinks it's, like, sexy.