The Pedophilia "Happy Hour," or Judy Garland with Training Wheels

Pedophilia Happy Hour is undoubtedly when this show airs.

They were running a marathon last night, I think, so Lee and I tried watching a couple of these.

I vacillated between terrible Schadenfreude tittering and guffaws and screaming horrible insults at the parents, soi-disant, of these kids.

I should have said pimps.

It really frustrated me to see a tiny child going through endless, torturous cosmetic procedures, experiencing pain and getting ZERO empathy from Mom and Dad, who just kept telling her to grin and bear it.

It's impossible not to think of Jon Benet Ramsay when you see the way these children are enouraged to act out adult fantasies of female sexuality on stage. These routines are often "stripper-themed," which is why the ending (SPOILER ALERT) of the movie Little Miss Sunshine was so perfect, really. If you haven't seen it, rent it. It's rather funny and often charming. In one of the shows we watched last night, there was a scene where the young girl competes with an adult sexpot in a dance off. The young child forces the competing "adult version" of sexuality off the stage with an imaginary "ass bump." Then she keeps dancing and gives her a "talk to the hand" gesture without even looking at her. The message is clear: 8 is the new 17. I guess the young sexpot was included in the number to give a thrill to the few male audience members who weren't parents or exclusively pedophiles.

Mr. Galanes is a nightmare, and the songs he does for the pageant (including the title song) will make you think of Bill Murray as singer, if you are of an age to remember the various wonderful gigs he's had as the worst singer on earth. Polyester's theme is one of my favorites.

But who needs John Waters when you have shows like this. It's like watching Best in Show (another funny movie) except this is all horribly real--which means you end up feeling guilty.

I'm not saying every parent on this show is a frustrated, pathetic waste of stem cells. Just 95%.

If you see the way they push when the kids are sending them every message, "No..no..no...I hate this...this is NOT what I want to be doing with my life. I'm not you're little applause generator. I'm sorry you had a fucked up childhood or you weren't pretty enough to get the love you so desperately needed and were denied, but don't try to live through me, okay? Get a fucking monkey and dress it up all day long. Get a chihuahua. And where did you put my fucking Ativan, bitch?"

Kids should be kids. Not child whores in spray tans with Dolly Parton hair.

Pedophiles surely have the d.v.r. or Tivo primed.

There's this scene where the one young girl (I think it's one of the kids in the clip above but not sure...they all started to blend together under those hideous wigs) got HORRIBLE diarrhea like an hour before going "on" and then it was revealed this happens at EVERY show. And the parents are STILL forcing her on. They did this fake, "If you don't wanna honey..." but you could hear the menace in their voice. And you could see her snap to attention. It was like seeing into Jon Benet's last days through a time machine. The mother even looked like Patsy Ramsey. Watch the eyes of parents while they are watching their kids. It's so Best in Show. I'm thinking of the couple made up of Parker Posey and her hubby.

Judy Garland with training wheels.

You might not believe me, but after you see one or two of these shows you really won't want to see a third.

We had to change the channel, as it was just getting too to be too much.

Was it in Bruno, that scene where someone calls a parent exactly like these, and tells the parent about a prospective job? Then he starts adding all these horrible requirements for the job, things the child will have to do that no sane parent would ever agree to. And the parent just keeps saying, "Sure. No problem. She can do that." I wonder if I can find that clip. Bruno was uneven, a movie largely strung together, but some of the clips are classics.

The rich parents are usually the worst.

Because they have more money and time to torture their child.

And the richest ones hire Galanes as a consultant, and you can see he's totally venal. He knows all the judges and can bend their ear to keep himself in clover. I've no doubts about that.

He has all these strange large features. Think Mr. Potato Head with plastic surgery.

Bill Murray and he should do a duet.

Enjoy this terror then go fumigate your mind.