The Pubic Wars

How come my old battle ax Latin teachers never gave us these mnemonics?

They must not have loved us enough.

It's not like the crones had anything else to do at night.

Oh come on, you know it's true. They teach Latin! Latin for crissakes!

They stay up late to parse. Yay. Somebody has to live for a fossil.

I'm joking. Don't flame me. My Latin teacher was one of the few teachers to send me a "Get Better!" card after my first suicide attempt. I was precocious in that too. She wrote something cheerful in Latin inside the card. She probably used the fifth declension just to be evil. And, If I remember correctly, she reminded me of the upcoming Latin club day trip. I guess she was trying to give me something to live for. As if I needed yet another reason to pull a Petronius. Chanting Crowd: "Nerds! Nerds in togas!!"

We only ever had one pretty Latin teacher, and she was a substitute, and she slept with Scott.

And we never saw her again.

But I bet Scott did.

He was pretty sensitive for a fourteen year old boy.

I got the Latin Award in my junior high, but only because Sheri couldn't keep her hands off that fine chocolate baller who got her preggers.

Her beautifully manicured hands.

She filed them in Latin class. I swear to God. Bitch was that good. She never had to cheat and peek like the rest of us.

And the teacher let her get away with that. Because she was a prodigy.

But that moment. The empty chair.

Sheri was toppled.

The indulgence curve had just been remapped to pass around Sheri's flagrantly gravid body! (Kindly note both adjective and adverb are Latin derivatives of the first water!)

Sheri was taking a "leave of absence."

Joy!

Did that sound petty? Sad? Salieri-ish?

No more declensions for you, Sheri. Wave bye bye. It's the home for Young Convalescent Birth Mothers for the class Wunderkind.

Did that sound bitchy? Well...

There's no way I could have beat her.

The chile fucking thought in Latin.

And she was gorgeous..she looked like the black chick in the one Duran Duran video with the tiger stripes on her face. Maybe that was Sheri.

Plus she was the singer in the school band and had smoky jazz pipes to die for.

Nowadays they're more enlightened about teenage pregancy.

Don't they have like playpens in the classrooms or something? You spoon applesauce in your kid's mouth while learning about the Suffragettes?

Back then it was more teachers taking flambeaux from cressets on the wall and swinging them around while wearing black hoods...chanting maledictions in Latin...and forming a closing circle around you...

I mean this was the eighties. Reagan was still counting jellybeans while he was losing his.

Ah, memories.

Anyway, enjoy this nerd Latin lesson.

I'd buy this book.

I keep looking for a good Interlinear Virgil online and haven't found it yet.

If anybody knows where that unfound treasure is, kindly holla down the holla bush.

Surely somebody posted one of those online? Philadelphia had a press back in the
19th century that had a hugely profitable business with Interlinear Latin books.

Philadelphia was actually a publishing capital during parts of the 19th century. The houses located there produced some unbelievably, insanely gorgeous books shortly after the midcentury...I'm thinking in particular of some Poe editions I've seen--local son, he--total florid Victoriana, foiled and laced, weird printing techniques and technologies that no longer even exist! And the books interpreting the meanings of flowers. Those were huge back then. The arcana of flowers. I've always wanted to collect those books, but they get so pricey!

I occasionally stumble upon one of the really old Interlinear Latin books in thrift stores, but usually I just buy them on ABE. They go for nothing.

Yes, I need the cheats. Use it or lose it.

But I love Virgil in Latin.

I just need to cheat.

You do it with your Playstation so don't even look at me like that.

You Google cheats all day long.

Yes you do.

I found this because I was trying to remember the declension of the noun anguis, "serpent."

You know, like in "anguis in herba."

It evaded me.

Lots of things evade me.

Many of them have two legs.

Or is that avoid?





HERE ARE THE SONGS CHEERFUL NERDS SING, AS THEY WALK DOWN THE HALLS LIKE MERRY LITTLE HOBBITSES, RIGHT BEFORE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS...



For more mnemonic devices (including vocabulary) please check out the 180-page
book "Mnemonic Latin"

Mnemonic hints
for learning
Latin vocabulary
and grammar.

Nouns that are singular only:



Argentum, aurum, ferrum, plebs, justitia,

Ver, aevum, letum, sanguis, pueritia.


Nouns that are Plural only:

Manes, liberi, Penates,

Divitiae, cunae, nugae, grates,

With arma, munia, magalia,

And festive seasons, as Floralia.



Nouns of Common Gender

Common are to either sex:

Artifex and opifex,

Conviva, vates, advena,

Testis, civis, incola,

Parens, sacerdos, custos, vindex,

Adolescens, infans, index.

Judex, heres, comes, dux,

Princeps, municeps, conjux,

Obses, ales, interpres,

Auctor, exul; and with these
Bos, dama, talpa, tigris, grus,

Cavis and anguis, serpens, sus.



Gender in I Declension

Nouns denoting males in a

Are by meaning Mascula;

And added to the Males must be

Hadria, the Hadriatic Sea.


Feminina stand in us,

Alvus, arctus, carbasus,

Colus, humus, pampinus,

Vannus; names of Plants, as pirus;

Names of Jewels, as sapphires.

Neuter, pelagus and virus.

Vulgus Neuter commonly,
Rarely Masculine, we see.



Gender in III Declension

Substantives in do and go

Genus Femininum show.

But ligo, ordo, praedo, cardo,

Are Mascula; and Common margo.




Verbal Nouns in io call

Feminina, one and all:

Mascula will only be

Things that you may touch or see,

(As curculio, vespertilio,

Pugio, scipio, and papilio,)

With the Nouns that number show,

Such as ternio, senio.




Echo Femininum name:

Caro (carnis) is the same.




Femininum call arbor;

Neuter aequor, marmor, cor.




Of the Substantives in os,

Feminina cos and dos:

While, of Latin Nouns, alone

Neuter are os (ossis), bone,

And os (oris), mouth: a few

Greek in os are Neuter too.




Many Neuters end in er,

Siler, acer, verber, ver,

Tuber, uber, and cadaver,

Piper, iter, and papaver.




Feminina, compes, teges,

Merces, merges, quies, seges,

Through their Genitives increase, –

With the Neuters reckon aes.




Many Nouns in is we find

To the Mascula assigned:

Amnis, axis, caulis, collies,

Clunis, crinis, fascis, follies,

Fustis, ignis, orbis, ensis,

Panis, pascis, postis, mensis,

Torris, unguis, and canalis,

Vectis, vermis, and natalis,

Lapis, sanguis, cucumis,

Pulvis, cases, Manes, glis.




Chiefly Mascula we view,

Sometimes Feminina too,

Callis, sentis, funis, finis,

Torquis, and, in poets, cinis.




Mascula are adamas,

Elephas, mas, gigas, as:

Vas (vadis) too as Male is known,

Vas (vasis) as a Neuter Noun.




Most are Mascula in ex:

Feminina, forex, lex,

Nex, supplex: Common, pumex,

Imbrex, obex, silex, rumex.




Mascula appear in ix,

Fornix, phonix, and calyx




Mascula are fons and mons,

Chalybs, hydrops, gryps, and pons,

Rudens, torrens, dens and cliens,

Fractions of the as, as triens;

Add to Mascula tridens,

Occidens and oriens,

Bidens (hoc): but bidens (sheep)

With the Feminina keep.




Mascula are found in es

Verres and acinaces.




Mascula are found in ur ,

Furfur, turtur, vultur, fur.




Feminina, some in us

Keep u long, as, servitus,

With juventus, virtus, salus,

Senectus, tellus, incus, palus.




Also pecus (pecudis)

Of the Female gender is.




Mascula are found in us

Lepus (leporis) and mus.




Mascula in l are mugil,

Consul, sal and sol, with pugil.




Mascula are ren and splen,

Pecten, delphin, attagen.




Feminina some in on;

Gorgon, sindon, halcyon.




Gender in IV Declension

Feminina, trees in us,

With tribus, acus, porticus,

Domus, nurus, socrus, anus,

Idus (iduum) and manus.