Crate & Barrel

...keeps sending me email links to their crappy stuff.

I don't know how I ever got on their mailing list.

They probably raided IKEA's customer base.

I'm sure there's something in their bazillion items I'd like, but when I looked online one time, I hated everything.

Wasn't that the shit the one hateful character on GLEE (the unpregnant wife) collects...wasn't she addicted to shopping there. That closet of horrors?

I mean I know IKEA's furniture is largely dealwood monstrosities (some of the higher end stuff is nice, like the KRAMFORS sofa). But I don't go there for that. I buy things that fit in a shopping cart. That's all the best stuff at IKEA...little things.

I've seen much prettier stuff at PIER ONE than CRATE & BARREL. Occasionally, PIER ONE hits on some nice designs. I liked some of their desks, but I don't need any.

Of course, it does have that "Let's rape the third world aesthetic." But everyone does that. TARGET has whole aisles of THIRD WORLD RAPE. It actually says that on the endcaps, I believe.

At least IKEA looks out for the environment, fights homophobia and is conscious of the materials they're using and the planetary impact.

And IKEA knows how to find the great designers.

Sure, they spend most of their days being high, I'd wager, but that doesn't bother me.

I love stoner art.

But IKEA's not obnoxious about being green or being right.

They don't mind ripping off great designs of the past.

They know you can't afford a real Gabo.

So buy our toy one.

IKEA still knows you're a horrible human being. If you read between the lines, they do. But IKEA also knows your kids are innocent. They have the best kids' stuff going.

WAL-MART copies TARGET now a lot, I notice. They even have copied IKEA just the teensiest bit. That was sort of short-lived. TARGET copies IKEA all the time. But I think TARGET is starting to figure out being IKEA will never be TARGET's bread and butter.

All of them have figured out the grocery store thing by now. IKEA did it first, in a minor way with their Scandinavian grocerette at store exits. But then Wally World figured it out bigtime and started putting all the nearby competitors out of business. The WEIS next to the Wally World I visit reduced their hours and now looks like a ghost town when I go through.

Then TARGET figured it out and added the grocery element (they were a little slower).

But their own line, ARCHER FARMS, is very Gooooood! So many good products in that line. Try them if you haven't. The cookies are delicious. Well, the ones I tried. I get their almonds, their KASHI-ripping-off pizzas and lots of other stuff. Try their exotic rices that come in the big clear containers. Wonderful.

Now that I think about it, K-MART might have been the one around here that added the grocery element first.

But who the fuck shops at K-MART.

I get depressed when I go there. Just from the store's layout and sense of "design."

Inside, every K-Mart still believes it's 1977.

Sure they do. Look around.

I'm totally serious. I get a headache after five minutes.

One time I stopped in just to use the blood pressure machine and I got nauseous after about five minutes

It passed as soon as I got back out of the store.

And they merged with SEARS.

Talk about a set of sisters who are going to keep each other company for the rest of their lives.