I'm Fairly Certain I'm Dying

Maybe I have lupus.

My friend the homeopath who is a nurse practitioner though that might be a possibility after looking at my last round of tests.

Men don't usually get lupus.

But then I have all the other conditions that are usually women's complaints nine times out of ten, so why not.

My mother had me so late in life. One theory goes that the male brain is more likely to be hormonally feminized when women bear children at that age (past forty). Something about hormonal depletion that goes on in the female body.

And then there are people who are male walking around with XX chromosomes and people who are female walking around with XY. Or guys in prison with the YY. Do you believe that theory? I think the violence theory on that was shot down. But it worked in the one Aliens movie. That was a dark movie, wasn't it. Aliens as scripted by Genet.

I had put this lupus shit out of my mind, since I had enough illness on my plate already.

I duplicated some tests again because I was afraid of some dire things and then Lee got mad that I duplicated the tests.

At least they all came back negative.

I'm so sick of being sick.

No one should have sinusitis all the time.

They say once you have one autoimmune disease you are prone to get others.

You get to collect them like baseball cards or something.

And having the Hashimoto's hypothyroidism thing can't explain all the problems I'm experiencing.

I think I might have cancer.

Either I have primary SIGM and it's just progressing, or else I had secondary SIGM all the time and it was either some seriousasfuck autoimmune disease hiding or else cancer.

SIGM is usually secondary to something else (usually an autoimmune disease or cancer).

But then I have signs going back a few years of decreasing immunity...usually involving the upper respiratory tract, as is typical for SIGM'ers.

Maybe I have lupus and cancer and several other diseases too.

I can't even wrap my head around the hemochromatosis thing. I don't know if that could be behind the SIGM. From what I can tell, medicine doesn't really know shit about SIGM. It's one of those medical mysteries. It shouldn't even happen since Immunoglobulin M is supposed to be at the bottom of the production scheme. So normal Immunoglobulin G and A with fucked up bargain basement M is called an "anomaly" or a "mystery" or something else useless like that.

Maybe I am a walking Petri dish and a microscopic image of my blood would look like a Bosch painting.

I've tested negative for every social disease and many of the others too.

I guess the condom education "done took" when I was but a lad.

And most of you weren't pretty enough to kiss anyway, so I guess that spared me further heebie-jeebies.

So I guess I should stop worrying about the long shadow invariably cast by one's Wild Years.

I think most of my health problems are pure genetic raffle short jackstraw variety.

I don't even think I can blame alcohol.

Alcoholism doesn't cause hypothyroidism, hemochromatosis or SIGM.

The tests keep coming up sunny.

But it's not much of a consolation.

Lee thinks I'm turning myself into a lab rat.

Well, if the maze fits....

I don't even have the herpes that 85% of the population is supposed to have.

The non-evil type. (Don't have the "evil" type either.)

Or I don't have the antibodies for it, anyway.

This is why I got some DNA tests for certain conditions I was worried about.

Because I'm not sure I can produce antibodies.

I know I did produce antibodies in the past, but I'm not sure how deficient I might be at this in the present.

I know I did produce them in the past because on the Lyme Disease Western Blot I triggered one of the antibodies. It's one that half the country triggers on that and it was the only one I triggered, so that ruled out Lyme disease as far as I'm concerned.

Thinking back to my meeting with this psychiatrist yesterday (this new one that I won't see regularly) I realize now I probably sounded so typically bipolar.

When she talked about my having to take bipolar meds to qualify for disability I started talking about suing people (not in a heated way but it's still hostility).

It's just I'm so angry about what Depakote did to my body.

That really fucked up my blood. I've finally stopped seeing petechiae. Knock on wood. It used to be such a regular occurrence and that started with the Depakote.

I can't handle lithium. I can't handle divalproex sodium. My body doesn't want any more metals. The iron is fucking me up well enough quite nicely, thank you.

She handled it very well.

I ended up liking her. She was as about as jaded as she needed to be for her job, and had minimal emotional investment, which is probably the only way to do her job.

She explained she was just guessing how the process worked "over there." She explained she had no say in any of those matters and further volunteered to sign any papers I needed signed.

In other words, she thought I was a severe head case.

And yet I am still applying for work. But I have to be honest about my health limitations.

The funny thing is the psychiatrists only give you fifteen minutes for visits. All future visits will only be fifteen minutes.

You're only allowed to waste the time of the psychologists, not the psychiatrists, because the psychologists are much more poorly remunerated and their time is much less valuable.

Sorry guys, but you know it's true.

You are the hand-holders and they are the mad scientists.

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday.

She has such a healthy attitude about life.

She's so much the opposite of me in about everything.

She's the sort of person who sees goodness in everyone. Ick, right?

Ack anyway.

She had agreed to go see the Tim Burton movie, but now she is welshing.

But it is her birthday so we will just take her to lunch or dinner.

I still have to go find a present.

I'll probably just buy lots of foodstuffs she can share with guests.

It's also her great-granddaughter's birthday so it will be nice she gets to celebrate it with her as well.

I am going to put on a pair of 3-D glasses and go see the damn Burton movie.

Lewis Carroll makes everything better.

Tim Burton makes everything better.

Those chairs in that 3-D theater are comfy enough to be buried in.

It's worth the ridiculous ticket price.

Life should be all Tim Burton and Lewis Carroll.

Life is not all cake and blowjobs and kittens.

But it should be.